Love.. Is it???
What is it called? When you are waiting for someone, to be in your arms, but suddenly, you don't want him for the mistakes committed??

This is the question i have been asked ... or rather quite baffled...

Well Well... Let's get the facts straight and emotions right...

Why is it that you keep on giving chances??

You did love him .. right?

And then, when he doesn't understand, then it hurts ... and it cuts deep your heart...

However, it's wise to know that true love can never be without understanding...

And spaces, which strengthen bonds, not those that create more voids,

And there should be no suffocation... which happens when someone is possessive of you...

And it is possessiveness and obsessiveness that kills the love..

and if there is no understanding existing, then it leads the dead love to it's grave.

All I have in reply to myself and others is that this is not that perfect true love that we've been dreaming of since our childhood.. some one to hug us all along, to provide shelter of comfort in the hailstorms of Life..

We should wait for him... Meanwhile, prepare ourselves to the better...




P.S. ...Experiences happen, and always judge by actions, never by words...

You'll never be able to make a mistake... or the error of judgment of your feelings...

@ PnP :-0

who knows
what you'd say
to come to know
if i was gay.. asked myself

looking in the mirror
dressed to kill
to rock, to party,
with high of vodka

all these accessories
on my hands
wore for myself..
on which others laugh!

life is mine,
without love...
if love is there,
so, a betrayal.

trusting faces, voices
never seen, never heard
trusting myself..
seems to be long lost...

sitting behind someone..
is it vicky or alex?
or cutebuddy.. who knows
anyways, names are lies.

in this chilly weather
daring to bare my chest
for what?
a party, tonight. my night.

watched a gay porn
shagged twice,
smooched three guys
had four dates..

reached the party
paid for myself and
the cannot confirm bf
hoping, maybe, my lifepartner...

gave my purse to him..
blurred my mind in accounts
he took care of me,
took me inside.

the disc's burning the floor
the sweat's heavy
on my mind..
the lights piercing my soul

went to the washroom,
cried over my not-over-ex..
who slept with every tom
dick and harry, and didnt even tell me...

washed the face with cold water
with a guy hanging out..
in the pot, another shooting
out like a fountain.. so sickening.. so tiring..

blurred ...
everything's.// came out
honey said" i'll be back in five min,
stay put. stay here"

didn't want him to leave my side
for i was numb and drunk..
but my teeth, my mouth,
my hands, my legs were invisibly tied

so off he went,
three guys took a pass..
one offered a cigarette,
other a lighter, and third, a long drive,..

said no,
not in the mood..
kissed a random guy,
to get outta the group.

my cannot confirm most probable future bf
came along.. said.. uuu ...
i said what?
the other guy shocked...

the guy i kissed..
shook hands with my cannot confirm most probable future bf cum lifepartner(ccmpfbcl)
whom i had just been naked to my body
and soul with..

they hugged.
touched each other lightly ...
i cudn't stand, said to my ccmpfbcl-cum-probable-soulmate,
gotta get fresh air..

went out
had a smoke
extinguished with my levi's
burnt a hole, alongwith a burn

came back
li'l in my senses
cudn't find ccmpfbclcps,
headed for the bar..

stood there for ten min,
cudnt' get myself a pint..
saw some guy alone
clowned my way through

asked him, hi
can u get me something..
he was nice, it was
his first time..

so he got me what i
wanna, felt like,
cud dance with him
after all someone who should, isnt..

kissed him
smooched him
took out my hands,
hugged him

drank a pint
smoked his cigarette
dont even remember the name
think, i didn't even ask..

he was erect, so was i
in a high
took my arms, round his butt
and whoosh!, lifted him up..

he sensed wrong.. i asked why
i m not gonna hook u up.. ohk..
that was dance, the song,and enjoy!
he felt nice, smooched again..

the lights burning thru..
i took my hands
round his nape,
to touch other guys.

guys, guys, other guys
looking at , staring at me
in jealousy, at my doped eyes
and face of innocence.. (who wudnt want a fuck with me?)

... bitch, that's not what i want.

thought for a moment?
is that all we have?
a night to remember,
and the same to forget? ( was i I?)

to remember, what we are
to forget, our pains
in pegs and pints
bodies, souls shouting mutely in vain..

thumping, bumping
faces of men in dark
men, guys, together
the rainbow colors making me blind..

dunno , 1 am.
want another drink, had
some coupons...
but cudn't get any

swayed in sweat and dance
the heat and the song
the lust and the love
intoxicated, mixed with wine, .. huh ha ha huh..

a slave of the floor
of a casanova, no cure.
going near, going far
in chasing my partners, becoming a chase..

the last song of the night
so that we can drink
with foul mouths
and dance, with ached heels

to dance the night
to make out.. to have ..
coffee? ccd, barista or my bed?
the last song.. the rush..

the rush in the head
of the poppers, the smoke,
alcohol and the rock n roll
finding partners for wetting the night..

rushed out,
gotta five proposals,
found my ccmpfbclcps kissing
smooching the guy..

was still in the aura
of the fatigue and high
we had a triply
on his bike..

chatted, hugged
the were cosy..
oops! what's the guy's name
i've been dancing.. his no..?

reached home..
thought i wud sleep in my ccmpfbclcps'
arms, as i did in the evening
but after an hour, saw the guy there..

closed my eyes, in rush, in tears
in high, in joy, in incompleteness,
in fulfilment, of my party hard target!
slept like a bear!

good morning, honey..
saw the guys smooching
oh! aniket, gm
this was my ex!

who knows,
what is there inside
my heart, so broken, so gay,
they dont know when is night and when is day!


---- end

the last line is open-ended, of party, of life, of love in a gay's life. and also abot the gay's circle.

Together

Dreaming of you,
Knowing you may never
be here with me
like the stars, ever above

who knows, how i care
the care for u that i have
lost my mind and heart
over your soul

the soul wants to be the one
with your soul
believing you, even when whole
wide world telling me not to be with you

all i want to say that i love you
and i am not afraid to go
against the world, for
my world is you..

i have broken everything
the idol you idolized
i derogated to the deepest trench of
vice, lies, and betrayal.

the tongue i had,
i wish to cut it off, and never to speak again
the eyes have never seen anyone
but you, always in my heart...

i know the trust we shared
may never be the same
the love we had
may never be the same

why does my heart wants you
i want to kill it, but it never dies
for you have taken over me..
taken over me, become my breath..

that air i can inhale, but you are the
air, that i need to breathe
need to breathe to live
to live, to live...

my heart will always be yours...
be yours forever! in this vicious circle
that i went, i am sorry...
can u forgive me?

All the people i came across, said
you are in love..
i said, no.. how could i be?
they say ur tongue lies, your eyes can't

they saw it in my eyes
the sadness i had, the pain i had gone through
the insecurities i had,
and that i was lost in love...

everyone asked me
do you love me?
i just kept quiet...
they said don't betray yourself

for you are made of your love
that is you, i never understood then
they asked me are you in love?
what cud i reply? i saw you then

they answered, saying you are the best
and love your lover the best,
i told you every lie, but not
this one: I Love You

your picture in my vision
has become the God, the pedestal
i never thought anyone could
reach there, u did...

now, we are apart,
i feel lost, feel so incomplete
that as if my soul has been drenched in vain
we were so close, now, at the poles

now, i am melting this earth betwixt us,
and make the poles meet,
i am doing everything for you
i'll do anything, to be Together...

Frozen Heart

the head's reeling
wounds become numb
the day u slept
over my sheets

dont u remember the ..
times, alas!
time has lost meaning
you deleted them

deleted me
wish there was a backspace
a click, whoosh!
black fire of guilt

is all that i see
see! that's your tears
now flow over my frozen
frozen ...

crying of no use
over the only one
the one that was you
the one that wasn't u

crying over frozen
snow, it's now all
covered, the hills echo
they don't speak

hope you know
that the snow
of life has covered
over frozen heart.

I'll be strong enough .. ``Interlude .. "I Do"

i'll be strong enough
strong enough for now
not to tell you,
that you are still there...

strong enough to carry on
you with me, you inside
with you out of my life
since you stole the bed

the bed of roses, where
you and i were supposed to,
it's whiteness of snow-
is now all gone, like you.

is it really worth? Are you?
That's all i ask myself
to find myself totally lost
in answers, which are your lies

i'll be strong enough
to stand up and walk away
away from this, leaving you
behind wondering, and guilty

you still want me.. love me..
is love a betrayal?
your actions answered-
maybe, i'll live outside those...

--Interlude--

your love haunts me, care tortures
for it's sweetness was honeyed
that bites my throat
chokes my breath of life

i'll be strong enough
to leave all this
even if it is the end
kill those promises

Cried to the witches
burnt your magic
over this death
"I Do"

in our sacred union
I did
Breaking these bonds
of Life, of Pain..

I do..