Something Deep and Meaningful, I feel..

This is the first time i am feeling elated after two years. With last affair ending in immense pain and a nerve-wrecking experience, it took me quite a time to recover and have rebirth of my heart.

Previously, I have always felt things cannot work out in longer run. With others, they had approached me. And it's been more of midsummer's night dream, passionate, steamy, intense, like you are in a high, having a good one, intense, giving you the feeling of high, and when you are done in five minutes, it's over. Tata, bbye!

This one's different. There is a voice inside us, that i believe in, and that would tell us when it's the real thing, no matter how absurd or vague or incomprehensible it may be. this one's like you are there, making love with your own soul, your own better (or worse! lol.. ) half. It lasts for the whole night, there once.. throughout the night, with the peak of feelings there at dawn when relaxation takes over. The serenity of love then overcomes the intensity of ecstasy, and you end up there, on the same place, with the same wonderful soul, loving more and more, deeper inside.

It's like the twilight after days of darkness. It's like the ray of hope vaporizing the clouds and making the silver lining shine more brightly. It's like dawn. It feels right. It feels like it's for lifetime.

I don't care whether it's gonna work out or not, whether we would have any relationship or not. All that matters to me is Love, and that we should be honest and truthful to each other, and share our mind and body, heart and soul.

All that I know is that I'm gonna try my best and even fight against God or Destiny if need be! And I'm not gonna cry or feel bad or even regret any moment of the moments filled with beauty and divinity, if our future is not with us.

:-)


That's all for now!

HMMMM ... to be continued in My Life :P

AND THE REST IS HISTORY ... lol.. (and maybe who knows .. what .. future?)!!!

CIAO!!


CATCH YA AT POLKA TONIGHT !

Rock Da Party !!!

@ P n P ... autobiography...

hmm, dressed my mind to party..

why ? i had been thinking about it on monday whether to go or not..

and then, on tuesday my ex called.. (as usual, as all my ex-es .. he's attracted to me fatally.. and all of them till now..have wanted to get back together after having a break-up!! sometimes, they had broken up. and it was fun seeing them proposing back... and before u make any serious judgements about me.. all of those were teenage midsummer night's dream.. intense and short.. and till now i've never ben with siomeone in a relationship, with whom i wanted to.. so technically, ii have't had a single relationship , though to give some space in that , i wud like my last relationship as a very serious affair.. since it was devoid of commitment most of the time )

and had a talk .. maybe to work things out.. but then, the blame game starts..

hmm., i've tried N no. of times to shift the scenario from placing the blame and sit cryimg to finding the cause and sort it out.. but then, with some ppl and things dont change at all..

anyways, my inspiration for going to pnp was fuelled by him.. i had planned to saty in delhi and take rest for a couple of days.. ( i find delhi nice place to relax! and just goto sleep and take dreams.... which i am usually in dearth of.. )

i didnt know anyone.. so i planned to go alone.. but then, fortunately, one of my friends called me.. and he changed his plans.. . Anyways,, for the record, i broke up with my ex, due to some personal reasons.. and he also wanted a break-up more than me at that time.. at that time, i had thought we could work out sssomething.. and not let the vase to be broken.. but then, i realised after going through lot of stupidity that the vase is broken, and cannot be mended again..

anyways, the point is, i am over my sort of ex, which with whom i was in sort of relationship... ( which i never wanted to get into with hi,m.. due to our mutual incompatibility , and which was proved right after two months itself.. and it remained the same after an year when we were sort-of going out... okasy okay, i dont mince words.. if it was a serious relationship, and then it was a disaster.. and also i knew things beforehand, and didnt want to get into it with the person... it's not that the person had serious faults.. i just wasnt compatible with his nature, and we both wanted different things.. but we arent on great terms either.. never were.. by the way, he took a lot of care and loved me very much and i also reciprocated .. so it's not even that//)

hmm.. sometimes, i think he is not over me.. and i know it.. maybe, he would never be, ... i know his nature, and have predicted it before, when he wud lie and when he wud tell the truth..

so, the point ios he said some striking things.. which i felt .. like what the fuck? what the hell.. who is he to decide what i wan and what i shud or shudn't do... and btw, ii am a lot wiser than him in many respects, and in some areas, he is/// and this is clearly not his area..

so, i dressed, and wore a bracelet that i loved, since the time i bought it from kuala lumpur.. it's a nice accessory, and some designes have also appreciated my choice.. .it's smart and futuristic , and at the same time goes well for the party .. and it's elegant..

so, putting up on my best spirits and leaving stress and heavy thoughts rising from heavy talk with my ex, behind, i caught an auto, and reached PnP.. the atmosphere's different, thoguh nowadays many ppl are complaining about the crowd.. hm.. most of the crowd's we;ll .. kinda fine.. but then some are like... gaaaawwwwwd!


anyways, so i entered this bar\club .. and it's sucjh a small crumped up place.. last time i was here on 16th december 2008.. and this time now.. 24th march 2009.. this was my second party and i had completely studded in my mind that i am going to enjoy and have a time of my life..

so, i with my friend took beer , and danced around, flirtingly.. ( oh! i m such a slut! .. lol// ) ( but dont get me wrong either.. i was isngle, readfy to mingle.. so was :P ) just some pure innocwnt fun..

danced to the song selection which was perfectly fine according to the environment's ambience, but still some songs do fall out of place..

and i smooched some four-five guys.. whom i didb't know, and out of those , i learnt one was a professional gigolo.. hmm.. pretty much of a desperate time pass seeker i am ( i dont waste time much either .. catch me on any normal day , even my parents have to take an appointment .. lol literally ). so i moved flirtingly, and then, i just danced with people whom i liked.. and my one criteria was.. all of them shud be starngers.. and dat time, i had had two beerz, and five smokes...so muy thinking department was pretty much in an oblivion state...so and i wont take any names here..either. .. ( last time on 16th... i did nothing, and felt bored, lost, and moreover, no fun and frolic , and moreover, my ex ruined the fun caling on my fone.. so this time my phone was silent! ) i just moved across the floor according to the rythm..

this time i tasted epicuream pleasures mostly, and not even a single hedonistic.. so it was all very childish..

now comes the interesting part :P

when i was going to the washroom ( which i dont admiore much either.. it's cramped) i saw this guy .. cute guy.. lol.. ( hey, don think fantasize that i was there huntong for someone with lust in my eyes.. as wild as i may sound and do wild things.. i still would like to have my heart pure.. ).. so i noticed this guy, who was cute, and holding a glass filled wih i dont know what .. and gave him a glance on my way/. he did give me a glance back.. but then, it was not very much to lead upon.. he was there.. one arm leaning slightly along the table and watching coolly at all the people who were there grandly displaying there stuppidity in flora and fauna in dancing styles, which was humorous to look at. anyways, so he was so calm, peaxceful.. as if he hadnbt come for the party.. standing there al0ne , i was li'l /// hmm well, surprised and also a litle butterfly flittered in my stomach ..

so, i came back from the washroom.. and danced the music, and smooched another three guys, and had a smoke.. and then, i saw him agaibn.. whoosh.. the guy's standing str8, and dressed in all black.. i was wearing blqack pullover and blue denim.. and also a Hugo.. and he has this nice black stud in his ear, that actually was going quite well with his apparel, ( i never admiore studs worn on a ear) and his chest was smooth, with his three top buttons of his jet-black shirt open... hmm.. quite sensuous, not i think so.. that time, i was just analysing as a webcam.. what all he looked like and what all he was like, like admiring the symmetry and beauty of the flower, in a similar childlike manner...

so then, i also saw that he was there, alone.. actually, that was the thing that caught my attention.. why wud he be alone, and not dance.. i mean all were dancing.. and he was like this statue just conastrained there to watch other people?? it seemed quite unusual, and then, suddenly in my mind, he had an aura of mystery, which pullled me to him. Still, one needs courage to ask a nyone, and for me, even for directions, sometimes! so, instead, i went to the washroom, and since, my mouth was reeking with cigarette smell, i just washed my mouth and rinsed it with water. i did gargles. then, i wore my specs, and opedned the door, and just went out/

i went in front of him and innocently said, " Would you like to have a dance with me?"

And, man! you should have seen the look on his face.. it was like ..i thought what have ui asked ,, that this person is so afraid or embarassed or lost ... and i couldnt bring to myself the classification of his expression.. and i was bewildered at seeeing his bewilderment :) and so next i said,

: i won't kiss you.. don't worry" (he seemed to be sorta novice to me.. that's why, and i thot he must have seen me kissing other guys like i m a flirt, so that's why ui said that)

and then, after mych awaited and breath baited second, he pulled himse;lf together and incoherently answered that he doesn't dance.

i said " so, i dont know how to dance.. and nyways, most of the ppl here dont knoew.. it's all about enjoying.. c'mon"

and he says" ohk,.. have we met before?"

i was like, wanting to say yes... wishing that we had met before..

"No. My name's Aniket."

" hi! my name's.... ."

And then, he started speaking something.. and i was already deafened by the loud raunchy music there.. so asked him, could we go out.. ?


TO BE CONTINUED...

A Note To My Love

Love eternal carries no meaning-
In my lexicon, there art no synonyms,
For it bears everything in itself-
For, it encompasses every word.

Love's a voyage truly beautiful
And it's presence makes life complete.
It's a state of Euphoria Ultimate-
A state of Bliss, state closer to God!

It's a play- a play of trust and betrayal!
The actors put on masks that they hide.
The dances danced are the nights unknown
That sleeping morning in cool whispers blows.

If it be one with spirit, and be it for years-
If it be the first and the last- the only one,
It'll be the flower's blossom touched!
It'll be the Fountain of Youth, the Gods' Jealousy!

For Gods are lonely One! Mortals in Love, Two!
We die, but we can love and make love in all ways-
Known and Unknown, said and unsaid, nay, and more-
True Love's the Only One that even Gods kowtow!

My Life : The Start... EPILOGUE

"Love.

I don't wanna know what love is.

For I've had it. Pain. No longer. No longer want to love.

Want to be a stranger to love, to pain, to betrayal, to heartbreak.

The eyes of everyone near me are coldly preying. Biting me colder than ice. As if, I've broken the rules. As if, there are rules in love.

What is left for me? Nothing but pain filling me with emptiness. Numb heartbeats pumping the blood; thrusting my life with a future. Future? With whom? Where? Where now I've left to go?

Friends? Haven't I left them behind for love? I have none. None who can understand my plight."

Standing on the balcony of tenth floor, Abhi was thinking, stretching dangerously on the railing. Rich, young, smart, innocent, intelligent, multi-talented, versatile genius, inventor, artist, handsome, tall, spiritual, having a self-made business, poet, practical oriented, loveable, and very experimental. Who hadn't fantasized him? Drunken now, intoxicated by both love, and coke, holding a glass of champagne tilted slightly. It was 5.30 in the morning. Twilight. The horizon's unclear as his life was. Wearing slippers, and a brand new expensive nightwear brought last night. It was pure white, clear as in contrast to everything. As contrasting as death is to life.

"I am alone. All alone.

When love couldn't have trust, whats the use of love? When life's voyage is without love, what's the point in sailing.

Who would want me? Truly care besides his own selfishness?

Why would someone care for me? What do I have to give him? I have nothing to give.

Why is my life like this? God, you would know I would have happily traded all I have, even my own heart and life.. Why is it like this ?

It's difficult to wear masks everyday. I don't want to wear happiness anymore, it makes me realize how sad I am.

Sadness. The concept that had been alien to me two years ago... (smile) Why today, its blood is running in my heart and making it heavy?

Love's got no truth, no belief.

Love couldnt trust me. How many amends... How many sacrifices?

Still....

What's the hope? There's no family I've have, and none left. I've houses all over the world, but ... no home... Perhaps, now I dont belong to Earth.. Perhaps, home is abode above.

What hope do I have to live on?

What? How? Why?

I dont need love. Anymore.

I dont need Life."

The hand left the railing.

As if it was Final Goodbye.

Stop Stop Stop (Lyrics I loved)

No I didn't trust him
But he rushed me to feel
Tried to mesmerize me and was
All sex appeal

Told me everything
That I was longing to hear
Shiny and handsome
My souvenir

And then all of a sudden
I have fallen in love
He would put me down
But I'd still place him above

Tired of searching for the love
That still lives in him
Giving my everything
Like a souvenir

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could feel every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could taste every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

I've become invisible
I melt away at night
Dreaming once so colourful
Becomes black and white

Loving once so wonderful
Is no longer here
So I'll keep this feeling
Like a souvenir

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could feel every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could taste every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

CHANGED !!!

The life's vicious as the circle here is. That's the truth stuck up at the edge of the knife.

Rumors have more ears than the truth; and break TWO hearts conjoined.

I'm officially done with all this. Finished. Changed. Today.

Leaving the past to the past-- all the friends who betrayed, the lover who didn't even trust me, all the people who had negative influence, the backbiters, the people because of which I spoiled half of my life.

Finally, there's no solace except writing. My third Love :)

[ My first love being myself, second chocolates ... third... fourth poetry, fifth music, reading and wine :P)

People have loved me. People have hated me. (And i don't give a damn now.. what's the fun, anyways .. every thing's a blur here?)

Anyways, the point is: I M BACK!

The lesson that I've learnt from my life always is this: Never lose yourself. Your Own Self is the one that's gonna stick by u throughout the ruts and grits of Life. (And this time, hopefully, i'll be more in my senses!)

I have seen so much, heard so much, felt so much.. that for now, I just wanna be blind, deaf and dumb and numb.

Not Looking for anything now.. Just Figuring out Life itself, and how i gotta live it with myself!

I've cried like anything, every night with the pangs of loneliness and biting words of betrayal eating my senses. How many nights have passed when the pillow was there to hug me , and i had only one. No sleep. I know now how it is. And i dont want any more of that now in my Life. Gotta make it. Make it to freedom from bondages false; and now, i have myself, My own Love. AND SOMEDAY, I WILL. I will be free.

P.S. : NOW, I AM CURRENTLY NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING. I HAVE ALL I NEED, AND DESIRE (FOR NOW, I DESIRE RIGHTLY.); I AM JUST GONNA WRITE, PROBABLY A SHORT GAY NOVEL NOW :) ...

WATCH OUT for it !!!