Why it doesn't work

Met so many guys. From nook and corner of the world. literally. Why it doesn't work out? 

A question that runs in my mind. Always. Is it my fault? Or is it so hard to find a great guy to settle down with?

 My recent dates with an american and an indian who came over to visit me ended in a disaster. They both visited me for 4 - 5 days. And after day 2, could not wait for them to leave.

Right now, I am with someone as we talk. It feels stifling, to find out that that someone whom you thought was fun, turns out to be kiddish. 

what keeps me sane is the hope that I can learn something from these epic disasters. Some of them were my mistakes, and most of them was moving too fast to go ahead to think that these guys were dateable. 

'I've come to Cambridge to meet you.'

'I want to get picked up at the club tonight. Hope it's okay.'

'tdak. tdak. tdak.' Grindr continuously buzzes. He goes wearing my shoes, traveling on my t pass, wearing my cologne, to fuck around with someone who asks me to cuddle with him. 

Funny. The world is right round. Right, it is. 

Do I wanna get back?

Losing virginity is one thing; losing heart is completely another. 

'I want to marry you', said someone to whom I fucked about 7 years back. When a guy grows into a man? Really.Not so quite. I had jut become more vulnerable.

I thought I did love her back then. I did. i think she loved me back too. She did. It was nearing the New Year when we first hooked up, and I had fallen head over heels for her.

Funny thing is that today, we dont email, we dont talk. We might have had c2c sometimes once in a while, but that is almost dead. The first and last piece of thread tying us was amazing sex; and somehow, that was because of it I didn't feel happy in my relationship in the first place - just sex, no emotional cuddling or even caring. Now, there's hardly ever sex(of course we are exes now!!), but sexual attraction has gone.

I never thought I would stop feeling attracted to my first ex. At first, after the breakup there was huge hatred, but that was a form of love. Over a period of 5 years, it washed away.Like a desert. Like nothing.

I tried so hard to convince my  heart that let me give one last try. It just doesn't seem right.

I guess she is not Ms. Right.

Mr./Ms. Right around corner in my life?

 

Weirdest

Living with someone is good, as long as you are in love with him. Or with a friend who has common sense.

I am in a situation - in a mess, which is neither. The only thing I can do is to just pray coz this thing has gotten out of hands. 

I really need to have my space. Ever since a child, I've had my own space. My own room, where I can shut the door, and retreat. Where I can feel not encroached by any other soul except those whom I let enter. 

It's not a question of that I dont want people to know about me, or even that I want to hide, or run away from the realities. I do like to face them head-on. The matter is that I just need to feel myself, and I cannot feel myself when there is someone else within 10 feet with whom you dont have a union of the two souls in marriage.

I have no idea. But I need to act fast. It's the weirdest thing I have to face.

Any ideas what can I do?

You, my Love

Holding hands,

Of my love, true

Walking past the time,

And the pain of separation...


I tripped,

Hurt my left foot

In a pit, dark and deep..

And broke my ankle, excruciating my heart..


To see you leave,

As I realized,

That you are the one I like

Above any one soul, yours...


Behold, How I fell,

And skid on the road,

Crying out silent cries,

Which only you listened..


How you came,

And took out my shoes and socks,

And held my foot on your lap,

Dressing my wounds with your Love's massage.


How I felt the pain,

Washed away as a river washes the dirt,

And with your touch, 

I felt the bliss unknown..


How you put my shoes back on,

Made me stand on my feet, my heart strong,

Tied the laces, while brushing the dirt aside,

My shoes on my feet, and I ready to walk..


Still stumbling,

I lean on your shoulder,

You shared to carry my burden,

And made me feel as if nothing had ever happened, but you, my love. 


You, my love.


... 

Innocence

A laughter,Innocent,
A breath of snow,
On the veil of love...

His words, 
Of chocolate,
His touch,
Of velvet and rock...

His eyes
Of angel
His soul 
Of divine.

His innocence,
pure as white,
His body,
Of a lover,

Who Stole,
Yet the heart
Was kept pure..
His innocence, 

Though lost,
Yet it was more pure
Than it was 
ever before.

When Your Past Haunts You

What do you do, when your past comes to haunt you?

Especially in a guy, whom you like - when he reminds you of some past mistake...

Well, gather your guts, coz, you did commit a mistake.. and say sorry if you can... if you cannot, just keep your own mouth shut.. and laugh it off.. saying that it was a light mistake.

The biggest mistake to do is to love someone not worth it. It has happened. A few and many times over. So what? You are single now..

What matters most is that you are emotionally healthy, and you have recouped and you are able to feel love and monogamy again.

Strange, but true. Actually, being promiscous or polygamous, has no role in the affairs of the heart. in fact, they provide adventure of the darkest desire - a challenge to oneself and to the date to be able to overcome that...

for body and sex attactions are the greatest lust, addiction ... and above it, the ones of the tongue... 

People think I might be promiscous if i smooch four guys in a club... lol.. really? I am just having fun ! (btw, how many guys did you sleep with last week ? ) 

Love is never of the body, it is of the soul. And soul just resides in a body - it can never love another body, but another soul... 

You could be immersed in the sex as much as you want. Very few can remain detached from lust, or preserve their own salt, while hunting for another dog. I have learnt to love the taste of my salt, and lavish myself with the desires of other bodies as a sexual escapade , an exploration, and an extracurricular hobby. Not much of a sexaholic, though. 

Very simple. Dont try and undrstand me. Just understand. I am no longer my past. I am my future, and I have realized it. I have my present to build upon, and I will. 

Can you be with me?

Love has been kept safe with trust..
But I screwed around, loved around..


People say all these things about me, 
True.. Yet, untrue in the most truest of ways.


My choices were made, and I am not proud of them..
It doesn't mean that I can erase them, but what I've done is to learn..


Learn that love could still exist, learn that love can still forgive..
learn that love could still cure, learn that love could still be committed, learn that love can trust against all odds and still be proven right!


I feel a living proof, seen other's claims from their Ivory Towers
Crumbling and falling unto dust, swept away with winds of Time..


While, I stayed, even after being immersed in waters ruddy of mud's dirt,
Still being able to pull myself out, heart and soul untouched, innocent..


I could bring the heavens down for you; The question that remains
On my lips and in my eyes is - 'Can you be with me?'






Can you still be with me,

Love.. Is it so hard to find?

What makes it so difficult to fine love? 
What makes it so hard to classify love true? 


Why are there so many imperfections in the time and space?
Why are there so much differences between desires and actuality?


Why is it that you like someone whom you just met under the rain for something petering?
Why is it that your love, or is now was, gives you a call and you melt and was was, and is now is? 


How has it been that you can stand up against the whole world to believe in someone you love?
How could it be that with all the cracks, you see your own good character's reflection in the other's mirror?


Love... is it that hard to find? ... No,
It's hard to love someone with love true.

Where did love go?

Is it that love is lost forever? Are people's heart churned by money, as their brains are?

Why is it you so believe in that guy so much, that'll he be there for you, that'll he care for you, and he'll come to see you off at the airport at his promise...

And at eleventh hour, he doesn't. Simply backs out?

And you feel black.

Where did love go? You begin to wonder...

I Need to Feel Again, Love

Feeling so alone,
Want to hold love,
To set it free,
and fly with it..
To yonder and beyond this place.

I need to feel love, again.
Left my past in the dark behind..
I see the new light,
Want to know who's showing the way!

Come closer, or call me close,
Left and changed right..
Gather your soul in my breath,
And wrap you in my arms forever..

I feel that i've never
Felt true love before...
Unveil love before my heart's eyes
Give a meaning to my life..

Closing my eyes,
Opening my heart
To feel the love blind..
I need to feel again, love

GYSE : Epilogue : Masala of the Crucification, Salvation of I

I, Mr. I, writing about this, thinking what to write, especially, when tonight was very different. When 88% of my ex-es are still in love with, it should come as no surprise that even after breaking up, my first ex is still in love with me. and that i say to him, "i hate you." and he says, "you wanna talk something else." "good night" "goo.." click. the call is snapped. Ain't i a bitch? X - X - X Then, my latest ex, who was not in love with me is seen at the Club C9. He texts me that i should not do this to myself. What the ...? Like who has given the right to him to comment on me whether i was ever happy or sad. i was neither. i was a statue tonight. completely opposite on the other end of the spectrum; opposite to lively, as Mr. A put it. X - X - X Am i gonna be crucified? i already was. Am i gonna be made king? i already was. Am i gonna reach salvation.? i already had. Am i gonna crucify myself. i did. already. Now, Mr. I felt nothing, anymore. so, he became a statue, seeing others. I saw others doing what they did best: actors' on a world's stage. Increasin their market value on GYSE: Gay York's Stock Exchange. And i was the most actively traded. And today, that was not even touchable. Crucified itself to Salvation to absolvation, to zenith or nadir? Zenith, i prefer. for, Mr. I never accepts defeat on its face, and kills obstacles to belive destiny's gift: luck. Luck. The only factor in GYSE. Destiny: The only outcome. Really? Lets see, Mr. I.

Wanna live inside

i wanna live free,
i wanna breathe,

spread my wings
and fly high.

touch the sky
sail the oceans.

feel the breeze
and star dust..

dont wanna cry
dont wanna die...

i wanna live inside ...

Does Love Exist?

Searched for love,
Love found me, and betrayed..

I found love again and it died..
I found love again, and we weren't compatible..
I found love again, and he wasn't eligible..
I found love again, and his priorities were different..
I found love again, and he broke it for family..
I found love again, and he did the 'right' thing..
I found love again, and he left for the society..
I found love again, and he didn't believe me..
I found love again, and he was with someone else..
I found love again, and there was generation gap..
I found love again, and he didn't listen to his heart, but others' tongue
I found love again, and he broke up in public for my bisexual orientation..
I found love again, and he was engaged..
I found love again, and he had aids..
I found love again, and he was married..
I found love again, and he was fuckin rich
I found love again, and i was not his type
I found love again, and i wasn't sexually satisfying for him
I found love again, and i wasnt enough caring
I found love again, and i cudn't express my love enough for him
I found love again, and he fell in love with someone else
I found love again, and he was just looking for casual
I found love again, and he made me his friend..
I found love again, and he wasn't ready..
I found love again, and he was poor
I found love again, and we were in opposite parts of the world
I found love again, and he trusted in destiny..

with my tear soaked heart dried,
still with remembrances of my first love
and all the loves that turned me..
Into what? ..
An emotional psycho-sexual 'slut/cripple' ??
...kinda makes me wonder,
Does love exist?

Unconditionality

To care unconditionally for someone, is to truly love someone.

When it isn't about morally debased physicality of passions hung up, but when it's awesomely wholesome, awesomely love-making with the eyes and words.

When words are for each other, and when words are spoken without a voice, without a language. When words are spoken by the eyes...

When he hugs you, takes you in his arms, and you feel lost, you want to be lost completely in them..

When he cares for your reputation, cares for your respect, for your integrity..

When he cares for you, and takes you out for hukkah, and pasta with white sauce, the combination you love.. When he's readily gives you the bite you want, and still says nothing, but looks at you lovingly..

When, in the night, he prepares the bed for tired you, and hugs you, kisses on your forehead, and you need the whole bed since you are already asleep.. so he himself sleeps on the floor...

Is it love?

~<3~

I f*ck'd this guy..

< Not a personal experience. Any correlation bearing to any incidents or any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. >

I f*ck'd this guy,
this really hot hot guy
he f*ck'd his way through thirty
and i was but twenty two..

It was yesterday night,
we rocked the red cab black and blue,
we sweated in dark lane,
and there was High in our veins...

it was thirty past two,
when we f*ck'd like minks,
and so passionately close,
Even lovers in bliss couldn't ever be..

Never stopped f*ck'n his soft back
Never stopped tasting his nipples,
Never stopped kissing his nape
never stopped biting his lips, hard..

It was but an hour,
we were not even exhausted,
hormones kept raising to our heads
while our bodies swayed to the beating rhythm..

He had a plane to catch
and i had to proofread my boss' file..
but there lay his tickets on the floor,
beneath them, my boss' file..

Thinking about him, f*ck'n him,
made me desperate, horny,
yet turned me off like hell
as if what was i doin there, naked?

he said i was f*ck'n hot,
he even called my name
he shouted the pleasure's moan
And felt heaven on earth..

Could i? i felt everything
yet i felt i felt nothing
there was everything f*ck'n sexy and jelled up..
yet i felt it dry and bare..

Was i irritated?
was i where i shouldn't be?
was i rememberin my ex, when his call came..?
was i in love with this guy?

Did i feel used?
Did i feel i used him?
Did i hate his very touch?
Did i felt touched by love itself?

grabbed his groins hard
and f*ck'd him harder,
spanked him, hard, yet harder
and made love to his lips...

jerked him off,
and he got off, on tickets and my boss' file
and i was as hard as ever
yet didn't feel anything..

zipped trousers up,
cleaned with the magazines
wiped clean, after playin' dirty
And called the cab driver

Said bye,
dropped out at the next stop,
with my head and his butt f*ck'd
and nothin' much...

I f*ck'd this guy,
this really hot hot guy,
who got turned on and got off..
asked me when again? it's never again..

Back from Digital Vacation: Updating... 1000%

Back from the digital vacation!

How was it? High and ebbs...

Like feel like a betrayer, a lover, being betrayed...

Feel like that I ditched a lot of people.. and a few ditched me :-)

Anyways, feelings are far from facts, and truth can be far from facts too...

Truth is... I really got a first hand experience of what a Casanova would have felt like. Dead inside.

Being unemotional is different from feeling deadbeat.

Being going around, with colours of sheets changing every night.. and reaching the heights of ecstasy for most of the nights celebrated and coronated with high spirits..

And then having multiple boyfriends and multiple girlfriends. Feel tired.. who can handle them all? And i am a single one guy..

Dating.. phew.. dates are so hard to find.. i mean real dates.. not casual, not romantic, not friendly, but you know there's a spark, an adventure that you see in their eyes...

Feel like mapped the entire geography of the world.. now searching for aliens, maybe? :P

And then, those open relationships, while counting myself single... why cannot everyone just dump me for once and all... perhaps, they still want to experiment.. is it? is it an adventure for them? is it that they wait that i'll change to whom i was once before, only a few months ago? is it that they still feel that i have a heart which cares and can love.. like love love!

It's the very idea of having two radically opposite ideas, two radically different perspectives, two radically different value systems: nay, the opposite two poles, which seemingly compete with each other.. yet, they merge, mix and fuse together into perfect harmony as of now in my life...

the question remains, after trying everything.. after seen everything.. ok ok.. let me be not so pompous, almost everything, truly.. for such a young age as i am .. by the time i turned 21.45 years old, i was almost giving counselling to married men of 35+ years of age and singles of 26+ !

Phew!

So, the question remains.. do i ? do i like to be in harmony? i mean monogamy was good.. but things changed.. and they changed me to the extent that i stopped believing in the very idea of why one thing should be given so much preference over another.. did i get bored? perhaps, of the hype given to monogamy..

and then.. did i get bored of polygamy? maybe yes..

so i went ahead for open relationship... but, then, i would .. hmm.. not be monogamous.. yet monogamously involved..

so i counted myself single.. like really?

Smooching random guys (atleast more than 4), who might belong to seconds or even thirds in terms of items on sale in a Saturday night flea-shop (club)... and maybe if one of the guy is lucky.. lol... if to what, approve of polygamy? nope. i just felt so. With no concern for my f*cked up image..

what is image anyway? i started with a clean slate. and then my exes landed me into bullshit.. saying things which i had never done.. ensuring my future break-ups..and then friends whom you could trust, in two months their tongues are like snakes.. worse than snake's bite.. and to top it all.. for people who are 'high maintenance' and do PR for their images.. they are the ones who are the f*cked up b*tches on bed.. like as if i have never made out with any of them.. rather most of them.. so pretentious.. always pretending to be something..someone you are not.. you think no one f*cking sane and with little bit of sensibility would not be able to see through your maneuvers .. lolz.. and str8 world is just a toned down f*cked up version of the g*y world! No less different.. (coz, prob they aren't so f*cked up by society!)

there are no lifepartners, no real friends, and no reputation, anyway! No truth..

(I still count on some exceptions though.. duh! .. my life's blood they all are!)

---

Anyways, to the lovers of abstraction, it would seem a perfect idea, to be able to get anything and everything that heart can desire, yet not to be able to still get few things.. and then, even in harmony, you get bored..

Am i bored? thats question lulls my very existence of thought. Simply, i dont know! I know i am not confused. know what i want, and what i dont want.. in my life.. but at this time, i dont want to know..

i choose not to know.. to stay in the moment.. to feel the heat of the passion .. and to coldly see it evaporate...

All to say, to end this.. is that out of the entire week, i actually sleep for more than 3.5 hrs maybe two-three days (and four if i am lucky!) why? bfs, gfs, casual dates, home, family, extended family, lovers, acquaintances, str8 friends, lesbian friends, sisters and brothers, casual dates, romantic dates, ons, ona(affair), work, work, work, hobbies, cooking, extra-curricular, reading, cleaning, phone calls, making love over fone, internet, chat, mails, more work, office, home work, social cause, networking, exercising (just started)! .. Phew.. need to make my life simpler: Scheduling! lolz...

Anyways, those 3 days i have this recurring dream: that there's a huge deck of cards of people with whom i am involved emotionally or physically or intellectually, or spiritually even.. and that all of them know everything..(i m pretty honest in terms of communication.. believe in openness) and that one day this entire deck will fall down and stand in a line and charge @ me...

Not that i fear everything falling apart.. i dont.. and i know what have been risks .. as well as all its 'tangible' and 'intangible' 'assets' and 'liabilities'. and i dont mind having a meltdown, and crisis...

But then, i'll get rap*d emotionally and f*ck royally!

Atleast, that should be a stimulating adventure!

(*-^)

Why is Foursome better than Threesomes? - Part I

I've had like three threesomes, and they were fucking good.

My third or fourth (i am confused! :P) ex-boyfriend, told me he didn't like threesomes. And mind you, he was sexually active. Much more than me.

Yesterday night was the first time I had my first four-some.

Well, here's how it all started: With Onesome. lolz :-)

I had thought that I would do myself a sexual favor for the fourth time in the day, in the night.

However, my very dear friend, called up in the afternoon. And I've slept with him earlier. His body is fucking hot. He's this slim guy, fair, innocent face, but manly, little but right hair on his chest.

btw, some people think i've turned into this horny crazy bastard (others fantasize as a bitch!)! well, i am not, for the record. I am dating, too. and i do respect others for what they are. But, i've expanded my horizons (not my ass, yet!)! And i've become open minded, and flexible to deal with the flow of life!

Yea, so his chest. The nipples are fucking hot. Like my first ex's. Soft, yet fully formed, and better than my first ex's. :-)

So, he called me. He was lonely. So was I. and i said yes. yes, i will come over and spend the night. Lets call him harry! I'm abhi! :-)

So, after finishing my shopping in sec 17, i got a call from an unknown no. a guy, whom i didnt know. We talkd, and he came to meet me in sec 17. He pretty much liked me. His lips were good, red, with passion. And he was medium built, slim, the guy next door, good for rendezvous! His name was P. P was cancerian. And i liked him, made a move towards him, standing by his side, so that he could feel me, my breath, and my hard-on.

And then, he was filled with lust. And fear. I had this crazy idea: I want a threesome! And i asked him out. he wanted to meet the other guy, harry. But then, i thought, he left. Too fearful, or too hasty. anyways, he'll call me later (or so he said.)

So then, harry arrives in front of Wills Lifestyle, where my first 'official' ex (yea, had many be4 him too :-) ) is shopping! nyways, that made me more a crazy bastard. I remembered fucking him. How he used to cry out and his hand on my nipple, and smooching him.. (he's a hardcore top, btw... but love makes one do crazy things.. i did a lot! got addicted to poppers, Courtesy Rahil Marwi: my first official ex!)

So, yea, i see harry aka corby, and then i smooched him. (tht's the right thing to do, when u meet ur crush and lover and friend!) PDA (Public display of Affection: Always work for gays!) P.S. I think my ex, Rahil, and his second ex-bf, Parwaksh, got jealous and horny! :-)

Yea, my mind wanders a lot! sorry! Mwah, to my third or fourth ex: Manish S69. He was one of my best, honest out of all bfs or gfs i've had. (Had my breakup with a gf recently, so remembered her, too, in the market!)

Hmm, so i meet this guy harry, and smooch him in front of the world, and whisper in his cute left ear: "Threesome?"

................................................................ To be continued..............................................................

Love: A Reflection

Love is a cruel emotion

It has no feeling, no regard,

It will break your heart

Like a twig in two.

How can I forget you, my love?

You were the Only Truth for me

You were the incarnate divine

How can I forget you, my love?

Life's heart is you,

Its blood, its veins

And now that you've left

All's there but everything.

How can I lift this veil

This golden veil of your memories

And this is the veil

Now, that made me blind and stifled my breath...

Still, wudn't I rather die of your memories,

Than to lift this ethereal illusion, This indecisiveness...

Love, alas is a mirror, with both sides silvered

Tearing mind and heart apart, being the greatest illusionist.

Remembering You, My Love ...

Soothing Memories

Of You

Sing their melody.

Divinity, Radiant

In your words immortalized

In my heart

Remembering You,

My Love, My Love

Forever...

Increasing Shifts in Media towards a Gay-Friendly Outlook in Western Soaps

Turn the power button on to watch our favorite show along with dinner at night, don’t we? Your favorite English soap – F.R.I.E.N.D.S., Gossip Girl, Will & Grace, Boston Legal or Desperate Housewives. What do they have in common? A portrayal of a gay character and the challenges that surround him.

While contemporary media is catering to newer ideas of family and love, it also is targeting at the niche of gays and lesbians. Bringing a Gay character or a couple in the story, media today is representing the diversity in human cultures and orientations, just as various business schools in the USA have clubs for.

Whether its Eric in ‘Gossip Girl’, or Andrew Van de Kamp of ‘Desperate Housewives’, the soap directors have tried to hint at the challenges faced by the ‘gay son’ of coming out in the society, the undeserved humiliation and the stigma attached to it, the daily complications of their relationships and also the family’s reaction to it and how they handle the situation. It is also shown being gay is a matter of personal happiness, and if a family really loves their children they’ll accept their sons as they are. All the parents should teach their progeny is to be a good human being, a rightful being, and being gay doesn’t mean that the child’s moral character is flawed; rather, it can prove that they can be more sensitive to issues, and can grow to be responsible.

‘Will & Grace’ has the lead male protagonist Will as a gay man. The other character, Jack, is shown as a typically idiotic sensitive and slightly ‘funny gay’. Will is painted as a person who is more serious in life and his boyfriend has just left him, who was with him for past seven years, at the show premiere. The loneliness and how his female friend, Grace, cheers him up is sketched quite beautifully. Will and Grace are shown as best friends and a best friendship can only exist if one is non-judgmental and shows unconditional attachment and caring and acceptance.

‘Boston Legal’ has an episode where Alan Shore defends gay rights and makes the audiences search their soul about giving gays the basic right of humanity – the freedom of choice to be happy. It also points at having the respect towards each other as a fellow being, and first of all as a human being. Though towards the end, the ‘gay’ marriage between Alan Shore and Danny is shown, and they are not gay characters but two honest, die-hard friends, the directors have also subtly hinted at the various other aspects that people forget about a gay relationship. Sex is not the only part of the relationship that many people look down upon. A gay relationship is more than just gay sex; it can also mean caring for each other as partners, sharing the fears, and the dreams, the emotions, the success and the failures, the crushes and loves of their lives and their souls.

One of the best sketches of the gay relationship has been shown vividly in FRIENDS, i.e., the lesbian relationship of Carol, ex-wife of Ross, and Susan. They also raise the Carol and Ross’ baby boy, Ben, together. This has also challenged the society’s concept that a gay couple can’t raise a child successfully. It is shown that the child is raised as if he’s a normal child, and he does have his father also. Typically, in real life, this role could be performed by the grandfather or the legal male guardian for the child being raised by a lesbian couple. It thus, raises the flag of giving “gay rights” of right to marry, the right to adopt kids and the right to personal choice of finding happiness in a gay relationship. All the issues have been portrayed in a life-like manner, in realism, which, indicate that gay relationships can certainly contribute towards leading our society in a better direction, in a healthier emotional environment if the society becomes more open and has a broader perspective on a gay life partnership.

Media is often said to be the touchstone of fresh take on issues. It can also serve as providing us with milestones of the change in the course of history. Media can also be the change we want the society to be, and it is a very important predictor of the changes in mankind at large. Today, this cursor certainly points at the right to personal freedom of choice, the right to individual happiness, and towards giving the basic respect and rights that this fraction of society deserves and has been long deprived of it.

Stuck at Me!

Why are you still all over me?
Why are you still in love?
Why are you still ...
Stuck at me...

Everything that I did
Was wrong in your eyes,
You were the one to break up
With me, Stopped seeing me...
You wanted to see others,
love, kiss and hug others,
lay down next to them,
Making love to them..
In sheets, you wetted yourself
at motels on the NH1 and NH21
Giving a morning kiss to me on the phone,
while smooching that gigolo..

you threw my rose
in a bouquet
by your fuck buddy...
so, now what the fuck???

Y r you so obsessed with me,
Giving me calls like one and seventy
And everytime i can just but
cut them like you did with my heart...

All i know was that it was all over..
Now, why r u all over me?
Now that you cant impress me anymore..
Now that you dont matter to me...

Lying to everyone, that am all about you
Sexing you up, When I am quite over you
So please be truthful now-- what you are..
You are still stuck at me!

P.S. This is for someone who has been the inspiration behind this. Cheers to you!

SPIRITUALITY

Spirituality, I think, is one of the most essential ingredients, if one wants to keep his sanity of mind, and not degrade his character or principles which we all believed in before stepping into this side...

Have you ever sat down, and done an introspection and analysis of what all has happened to you and your life.. after you became active in this scene? or what changes have entered your life , after all these things..

Reflecting on my own experiences, my stupidity, my intelligence, and at what all happened to me.. i guess, it has been more filled with things, than ever before, and at the same time, a feeling of eternal emptiness filling me inside.. making me feel worthless and a low sense of self esteem..

Gay world is a bitchy world.. Everyone sleeps with everyone mostly.. Everyone falls in love with someone .. Someone betrays always.. one will surely bitch about you .. many will again add sugar and spice to it... and everyone will hear... many will always believe it.. someone wont./..rarely....
Noone will be at your side sometime... You'll cry, all alone..

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. It can only be developed and strengtheened in trial and suffering". Helen Keller has rightly said... is it? That is , if you have go9t strrong nerves take it.. . some dont; and take a direct road to ending their own lives....

sometimes, i think, isnt it better to end all this? To end , and get over it.. fininsh it in one go..
But, then, what good would it do? to my parents? To my teachers.. to my fa,mily >? to my friends, one or two they maybe , who can die for me.. i am responsible to them..

Its not a matter of responsibility also, on thinking deeper.. it's ;like climbing the hill... Past... To forget it and forgive your ownself , and others who has wronged you... even to the extent of defaming you in thwe whole town.. i guess, still you must be strong enough to undergo this excruciating Herculean task...

For in victory, man grows.. "Strength is Life, weakness, death." Swami Vivekananda...

And moreover, we must not be ostriches... who put their heads in holes,... when they see imminent danger .. .

All of us have our own heartbreaks.. own hurts.. , but it lies in the greater nature of man, to try to overcome it... Our eyes are placed in front of our head, our nose in front.. so that we can see New, breathe New.. feel New, and also , live New .. it's higher wisdom to be detached in bliss.. to be in equanimity in any situation.. To remember that whatever my problem is, i am bigger than it .. is the right way..

A life has various aspects.. Sexuality, Emotions, Mental, Intellyectual, Psychological... is a part of it.. Spiritual is a higher part of it..

Guess, we should all rise higher..

YouRGuideTo 10 Most Daring KISSES :-) -- Series I

Series I

YouRGuideTo

10 Most Daring Kisses

With, At, When ... in Delhi and Chandigarh :-)

(P.S. : Of course, some groundwork has been done to prove it! :P )

1. With a stranger, at McDonalds, ISBT, Kashmere Gate, Delhi, 11 am
2. With a just-met date, inside Metro, DMRC, when the metro stops at last stop around 12 noon ( it was actually taped, we forgot to get off the train, and the guy on the radio literally screamed, "stop thinking to go further.. get off. the last station has arrived )
   
3. With a chef, inside the kitchen, Taj just before your birthday celebration...
   
4. With a hooker, @ P n P, 1 am, middle of the party ( or Down Under, HM, Sec 17, Chd, on 31st December, .. even the str8 crowd is there :P )
5. With a college fellow, behind the shrine of temple, at 6 pm
6. With a college faculty, inside library, between two bookshelves, at 5.10 pm
7. With a complete unknown person, in the forested area of sec 43, near ISBT, Chandigarh, at 11 pm
8. With a date, in Sec 17, in front of the Fountain, ( Gay's Joint) at 11.30 am
9. With a sexy flight attendent on an international flight, just behind the lavatory (where's their place for them), of course, during flight timings ( most of the ppl were watching movie.. and we just had a scotch and wine, and were in a little high .. P )
10. Yea, not to forget, my bedroom, with someone , sometime, in college, as well as in my home :P ( keep guessing.. lol.. everyone near me was .. a little suspicious... that was the most fun... )

XOXO :) ... a compiled guide for you :P muaahh !













XOXO :) ... a compiled guide for you :P
(with pics :) )

muaahh !

ny comments, guys ???

To My Ex :-)

All the lies,
shattering
All the answers,
betraying.

The truth still lives on,
Inside me,
Chopping me
like an axe.

In my conscience
I feel
the guilt
of my love

Of my love
that was you,
beautiful-
that you stifled.

I dont want you
back in my life
you never did and never will
deserve my love.

from Honor and character
you went to
candour and boast
to the lies all so heavy

accepting cards of love from others,
on your birthday...
how can you make love to me?
how can i make love to you?

you were never there
when i needed you
now that everything's over,
suddenly i become your need?

just know one last thing
i'll break this love
i'll break this heart
and i'll wipe myself clean of your every touch.

just know this
straying and betraying
are two different things
had you strayed, you would have never broken my home.

just know this
i'll never forget a betrayal
and a betrayal that was you
and i promise you, i wont have a second one.

just know this,
i am not the kinds
to stay
when it's time to leave and say, "Good-bye"!


P.S. -- it's just the title is the title. nothing intended :P

Sexual Compatibility

I think sexual compatibility between two persons doesn't depend on the orientation or the preferences. It depends much much more on the the sexual chemistry between two partners.

Two tops or two bottoms may be happy together, and satisfied. I disagree with the notion that if one of the partners is top and the other bottom, then only their preferences match. Moreover, I would also disagree with the terms referring to active or passive roles on bed.

Sex, at it's zenith, is making love, and at its ebb, is just another fuck. While making love, there's no need of inhaling intoxicants, love is the greatest intoxication ever.

TO BE CONTINUED .... (EDITED HERE.. THANX FOR VISITING... HOPING TO CATCH UP WID YA AGAIN, SOON! )

:-)

AT THE CLUB

These lasers blind my eyes-
Hugo, Boss and Brut sting
The disc's burning the floor
With the heat of feet and flirting.

To dance the night away,
The body’s taking over the soul-
Those glares and the glances
At the luxuries of the dark.

Beer, Haig, Whiskey, Wine and Champagne
Wills, Duke, and Marlboro Lights
Hookah’s smoke and glasses clink
Adding jive to the lively beats...

Hash's high and a coke's line:
The ecstasy of the pure lifting-
Like a zero gravity atmosphere
Is heavy with glamour’s shine.

All this is a party cake-
The guests belong to A-list,
Who wear laughter's as fake
As accessories adorned!

At the Club, Life's
Having colors of beauty, volatile,
The truth's hidden beneath, dark and void,
The color that is, is as black and empty as night!

WRITING MY NOVEL...

Crossed - The Untouchables of Mordern India

Crossed out
These emotions
Of Life
I live.

Black Marks
of Society
on head-
The Untouchable

Something Deep and Meaningful, I feel..

This is the first time i am feeling elated after two years. With last affair ending in immense pain and a nerve-wrecking experience, it took me quite a time to recover and have rebirth of my heart.

Previously, I have always felt things cannot work out in longer run. With others, they had approached me. And it's been more of midsummer's night dream, passionate, steamy, intense, like you are in a high, having a good one, intense, giving you the feeling of high, and when you are done in five minutes, it's over. Tata, bbye!

This one's different. There is a voice inside us, that i believe in, and that would tell us when it's the real thing, no matter how absurd or vague or incomprehensible it may be. this one's like you are there, making love with your own soul, your own better (or worse! lol.. ) half. It lasts for the whole night, there once.. throughout the night, with the peak of feelings there at dawn when relaxation takes over. The serenity of love then overcomes the intensity of ecstasy, and you end up there, on the same place, with the same wonderful soul, loving more and more, deeper inside.

It's like the twilight after days of darkness. It's like the ray of hope vaporizing the clouds and making the silver lining shine more brightly. It's like dawn. It feels right. It feels like it's for lifetime.

I don't care whether it's gonna work out or not, whether we would have any relationship or not. All that matters to me is Love, and that we should be honest and truthful to each other, and share our mind and body, heart and soul.

All that I know is that I'm gonna try my best and even fight against God or Destiny if need be! And I'm not gonna cry or feel bad or even regret any moment of the moments filled with beauty and divinity, if our future is not with us.

:-)


That's all for now!

HMMMM ... to be continued in My Life :P

AND THE REST IS HISTORY ... lol.. (and maybe who knows .. what .. future?)!!!

CIAO!!


CATCH YA AT POLKA TONIGHT !

Rock Da Party !!!

@ P n P ... autobiography...

hmm, dressed my mind to party..

why ? i had been thinking about it on monday whether to go or not..

and then, on tuesday my ex called.. (as usual, as all my ex-es .. he's attracted to me fatally.. and all of them till now..have wanted to get back together after having a break-up!! sometimes, they had broken up. and it was fun seeing them proposing back... and before u make any serious judgements about me.. all of those were teenage midsummer night's dream.. intense and short.. and till now i've never ben with siomeone in a relationship, with whom i wanted to.. so technically, ii have't had a single relationship , though to give some space in that , i wud like my last relationship as a very serious affair.. since it was devoid of commitment most of the time )

and had a talk .. maybe to work things out.. but then, the blame game starts..

hmm., i've tried N no. of times to shift the scenario from placing the blame and sit cryimg to finding the cause and sort it out.. but then, with some ppl and things dont change at all..

anyways, my inspiration for going to pnp was fuelled by him.. i had planned to saty in delhi and take rest for a couple of days.. ( i find delhi nice place to relax! and just goto sleep and take dreams.... which i am usually in dearth of.. )

i didnt know anyone.. so i planned to go alone.. but then, fortunately, one of my friends called me.. and he changed his plans.. . Anyways,, for the record, i broke up with my ex, due to some personal reasons.. and he also wanted a break-up more than me at that time.. at that time, i had thought we could work out sssomething.. and not let the vase to be broken.. but then, i realised after going through lot of stupidity that the vase is broken, and cannot be mended again..

anyways, the point is, i am over my sort of ex, which with whom i was in sort of relationship... ( which i never wanted to get into with hi,m.. due to our mutual incompatibility , and which was proved right after two months itself.. and it remained the same after an year when we were sort-of going out... okasy okay, i dont mince words.. if it was a serious relationship, and then it was a disaster.. and also i knew things beforehand, and didnt want to get into it with the person... it's not that the person had serious faults.. i just wasnt compatible with his nature, and we both wanted different things.. but we arent on great terms either.. never were.. by the way, he took a lot of care and loved me very much and i also reciprocated .. so it's not even that//)

hmm.. sometimes, i think he is not over me.. and i know it.. maybe, he would never be, ... i know his nature, and have predicted it before, when he wud lie and when he wud tell the truth..

so, the point ios he said some striking things.. which i felt .. like what the fuck? what the hell.. who is he to decide what i wan and what i shud or shudn't do... and btw, ii am a lot wiser than him in many respects, and in some areas, he is/// and this is clearly not his area..

so, i dressed, and wore a bracelet that i loved, since the time i bought it from kuala lumpur.. it's a nice accessory, and some designes have also appreciated my choice.. .it's smart and futuristic , and at the same time goes well for the party .. and it's elegant..

so, putting up on my best spirits and leaving stress and heavy thoughts rising from heavy talk with my ex, behind, i caught an auto, and reached PnP.. the atmosphere's different, thoguh nowadays many ppl are complaining about the crowd.. hm.. most of the crowd's we;ll .. kinda fine.. but then some are like... gaaaawwwwwd!


anyways, so i entered this bar\club .. and it's sucjh a small crumped up place.. last time i was here on 16th december 2008.. and this time now.. 24th march 2009.. this was my second party and i had completely studded in my mind that i am going to enjoy and have a time of my life..

so, i with my friend took beer , and danced around, flirtingly.. ( oh! i m such a slut! .. lol// ) ( but dont get me wrong either.. i was isngle, readfy to mingle.. so was :P ) just some pure innocwnt fun..

danced to the song selection which was perfectly fine according to the environment's ambience, but still some songs do fall out of place..

and i smooched some four-five guys.. whom i didb't know, and out of those , i learnt one was a professional gigolo.. hmm.. pretty much of a desperate time pass seeker i am ( i dont waste time much either .. catch me on any normal day , even my parents have to take an appointment .. lol literally ). so i moved flirtingly, and then, i just danced with people whom i liked.. and my one criteria was.. all of them shud be starngers.. and dat time, i had had two beerz, and five smokes...so muy thinking department was pretty much in an oblivion state...so and i wont take any names here..either. .. ( last time on 16th... i did nothing, and felt bored, lost, and moreover, no fun and frolic , and moreover, my ex ruined the fun caling on my fone.. so this time my phone was silent! ) i just moved across the floor according to the rythm..

this time i tasted epicuream pleasures mostly, and not even a single hedonistic.. so it was all very childish..

now comes the interesting part :P

when i was going to the washroom ( which i dont admiore much either.. it's cramped) i saw this guy .. cute guy.. lol.. ( hey, don think fantasize that i was there huntong for someone with lust in my eyes.. as wild as i may sound and do wild things.. i still would like to have my heart pure.. ).. so i noticed this guy, who was cute, and holding a glass filled wih i dont know what .. and gave him a glance on my way/. he did give me a glance back.. but then, it was not very much to lead upon.. he was there.. one arm leaning slightly along the table and watching coolly at all the people who were there grandly displaying there stuppidity in flora and fauna in dancing styles, which was humorous to look at. anyways, so he was so calm, peaxceful.. as if he hadnbt come for the party.. standing there al0ne , i was li'l /// hmm well, surprised and also a litle butterfly flittered in my stomach ..

so, i came back from the washroom.. and danced the music, and smooched another three guys, and had a smoke.. and then, i saw him agaibn.. whoosh.. the guy's standing str8, and dressed in all black.. i was wearing blqack pullover and blue denim.. and also a Hugo.. and he has this nice black stud in his ear, that actually was going quite well with his apparel, ( i never admiore studs worn on a ear) and his chest was smooth, with his three top buttons of his jet-black shirt open... hmm.. quite sensuous, not i think so.. that time, i was just analysing as a webcam.. what all he looked like and what all he was like, like admiring the symmetry and beauty of the flower, in a similar childlike manner...

so then, i also saw that he was there, alone.. actually, that was the thing that caught my attention.. why wud he be alone, and not dance.. i mean all were dancing.. and he was like this statue just conastrained there to watch other people?? it seemed quite unusual, and then, suddenly in my mind, he had an aura of mystery, which pullled me to him. Still, one needs courage to ask a nyone, and for me, even for directions, sometimes! so, instead, i went to the washroom, and since, my mouth was reeking with cigarette smell, i just washed my mouth and rinsed it with water. i did gargles. then, i wore my specs, and opedned the door, and just went out/

i went in front of him and innocently said, " Would you like to have a dance with me?"

And, man! you should have seen the look on his face.. it was like ..i thought what have ui asked ,, that this person is so afraid or embarassed or lost ... and i couldnt bring to myself the classification of his expression.. and i was bewildered at seeeing his bewilderment :) and so next i said,

: i won't kiss you.. don't worry" (he seemed to be sorta novice to me.. that's why, and i thot he must have seen me kissing other guys like i m a flirt, so that's why ui said that)

and then, after mych awaited and breath baited second, he pulled himse;lf together and incoherently answered that he doesn't dance.

i said " so, i dont know how to dance.. and nyways, most of the ppl here dont knoew.. it's all about enjoying.. c'mon"

and he says" ohk,.. have we met before?"

i was like, wanting to say yes... wishing that we had met before..

"No. My name's Aniket."

" hi! my name's.... ."

And then, he started speaking something.. and i was already deafened by the loud raunchy music there.. so asked him, could we go out.. ?


TO BE CONTINUED...