Why it doesn't work

Met so many guys. From nook and corner of the world. literally. Why it doesn't work out? 

A question that runs in my mind. Always. Is it my fault? Or is it so hard to find a great guy to settle down with?

 My recent dates with an american and an indian who came over to visit me ended in a disaster. They both visited me for 4 - 5 days. And after day 2, could not wait for them to leave.

Right now, I am with someone as we talk. It feels stifling, to find out that that someone whom you thought was fun, turns out to be kiddish. 

what keeps me sane is the hope that I can learn something from these epic disasters. Some of them were my mistakes, and most of them was moving too fast to go ahead to think that these guys were dateable. 

'I've come to Cambridge to meet you.'

'I want to get picked up at the club tonight. Hope it's okay.'

'tdak. tdak. tdak.' Grindr continuously buzzes. He goes wearing my shoes, traveling on my t pass, wearing my cologne, to fuck around with someone who asks me to cuddle with him. 

Funny. The world is right round. Right, it is. 

Do I wanna get back?

Losing virginity is one thing; losing heart is completely another. 

'I want to marry you', said someone to whom I fucked about 7 years back. When a guy grows into a man? Really.Not so quite. I had jut become more vulnerable.

I thought I did love her back then. I did. i think she loved me back too. She did. It was nearing the New Year when we first hooked up, and I had fallen head over heels for her.

Funny thing is that today, we dont email, we dont talk. We might have had c2c sometimes once in a while, but that is almost dead. The first and last piece of thread tying us was amazing sex; and somehow, that was because of it I didn't feel happy in my relationship in the first place - just sex, no emotional cuddling or even caring. Now, there's hardly ever sex(of course we are exes now!!), but sexual attraction has gone.

I never thought I would stop feeling attracted to my first ex. At first, after the breakup there was huge hatred, but that was a form of love. Over a period of 5 years, it washed away.Like a desert. Like nothing.

I tried so hard to convince my  heart that let me give one last try. It just doesn't seem right.

I guess she is not Ms. Right.

Mr./Ms. Right around corner in my life?

 

Weirdest

Living with someone is good, as long as you are in love with him. Or with a friend who has common sense.

I am in a situation - in a mess, which is neither. The only thing I can do is to just pray coz this thing has gotten out of hands. 

I really need to have my space. Ever since a child, I've had my own space. My own room, where I can shut the door, and retreat. Where I can feel not encroached by any other soul except those whom I let enter. 

It's not a question of that I dont want people to know about me, or even that I want to hide, or run away from the realities. I do like to face them head-on. The matter is that I just need to feel myself, and I cannot feel myself when there is someone else within 10 feet with whom you dont have a union of the two souls in marriage.

I have no idea. But I need to act fast. It's the weirdest thing I have to face.

Any ideas what can I do?

You, my Love

Holding hands,

Of my love, true

Walking past the time,

And the pain of separation...


I tripped,

Hurt my left foot

In a pit, dark and deep..

And broke my ankle, excruciating my heart..


To see you leave,

As I realized,

That you are the one I like

Above any one soul, yours...


Behold, How I fell,

And skid on the road,

Crying out silent cries,

Which only you listened..


How you came,

And took out my shoes and socks,

And held my foot on your lap,

Dressing my wounds with your Love's massage.


How I felt the pain,

Washed away as a river washes the dirt,

And with your touch, 

I felt the bliss unknown..


How you put my shoes back on,

Made me stand on my feet, my heart strong,

Tied the laces, while brushing the dirt aside,

My shoes on my feet, and I ready to walk..


Still stumbling,

I lean on your shoulder,

You shared to carry my burden,

And made me feel as if nothing had ever happened, but you, my love. 


You, my love.


... 

Innocence

A laughter,Innocent,
A breath of snow,
On the veil of love...

His words, 
Of chocolate,
His touch,
Of velvet and rock...

His eyes
Of angel
His soul 
Of divine.

His innocence,
pure as white,
His body,
Of a lover,

Who Stole,
Yet the heart
Was kept pure..
His innocence, 

Though lost,
Yet it was more pure
Than it was 
ever before.

When Your Past Haunts You

What do you do, when your past comes to haunt you?

Especially in a guy, whom you like - when he reminds you of some past mistake...

Well, gather your guts, coz, you did commit a mistake.. and say sorry if you can... if you cannot, just keep your own mouth shut.. and laugh it off.. saying that it was a light mistake.

The biggest mistake to do is to love someone not worth it. It has happened. A few and many times over. So what? You are single now..

What matters most is that you are emotionally healthy, and you have recouped and you are able to feel love and monogamy again.

Strange, but true. Actually, being promiscous or polygamous, has no role in the affairs of the heart. in fact, they provide adventure of the darkest desire - a challenge to oneself and to the date to be able to overcome that...

for body and sex attactions are the greatest lust, addiction ... and above it, the ones of the tongue... 

People think I might be promiscous if i smooch four guys in a club... lol.. really? I am just having fun ! (btw, how many guys did you sleep with last week ? ) 

Love is never of the body, it is of the soul. And soul just resides in a body - it can never love another body, but another soul... 

You could be immersed in the sex as much as you want. Very few can remain detached from lust, or preserve their own salt, while hunting for another dog. I have learnt to love the taste of my salt, and lavish myself with the desires of other bodies as a sexual escapade , an exploration, and an extracurricular hobby. Not much of a sexaholic, though. 

Very simple. Dont try and undrstand me. Just understand. I am no longer my past. I am my future, and I have realized it. I have my present to build upon, and I will. 

Can you be with me?

Love has been kept safe with trust..
But I screwed around, loved around..


People say all these things about me, 
True.. Yet, untrue in the most truest of ways.


My choices were made, and I am not proud of them..
It doesn't mean that I can erase them, but what I've done is to learn..


Learn that love could still exist, learn that love can still forgive..
learn that love could still cure, learn that love could still be committed, learn that love can trust against all odds and still be proven right!


I feel a living proof, seen other's claims from their Ivory Towers
Crumbling and falling unto dust, swept away with winds of Time..


While, I stayed, even after being immersed in waters ruddy of mud's dirt,
Still being able to pull myself out, heart and soul untouched, innocent..


I could bring the heavens down for you; The question that remains
On my lips and in my eyes is - 'Can you be with me?'






Can you still be with me,

Love.. Is it so hard to find?

What makes it so difficult to fine love? 
What makes it so hard to classify love true? 


Why are there so many imperfections in the time and space?
Why are there so much differences between desires and actuality?


Why is it that you like someone whom you just met under the rain for something petering?
Why is it that your love, or is now was, gives you a call and you melt and was was, and is now is? 


How has it been that you can stand up against the whole world to believe in someone you love?
How could it be that with all the cracks, you see your own good character's reflection in the other's mirror?


Love... is it that hard to find? ... No,
It's hard to love someone with love true.

Where did love go?

Is it that love is lost forever? Are people's heart churned by money, as their brains are?

Why is it you so believe in that guy so much, that'll he be there for you, that'll he care for you, and he'll come to see you off at the airport at his promise...

And at eleventh hour, he doesn't. Simply backs out?

And you feel black.

Where did love go? You begin to wonder...

I Need to Feel Again, Love

Feeling so alone,
Want to hold love,
To set it free,
and fly with it..
To yonder and beyond this place.

I need to feel love, again.
Left my past in the dark behind..
I see the new light,
Want to know who's showing the way!

Come closer, or call me close,
Left and changed right..
Gather your soul in my breath,
And wrap you in my arms forever..

I feel that i've never
Felt true love before...
Unveil love before my heart's eyes
Give a meaning to my life..

Closing my eyes,
Opening my heart
To feel the love blind..
I need to feel again, love

GYSE : Epilogue : Masala of the Crucification, Salvation of I

I, Mr. I, writing about this, thinking what to write, especially, when tonight was very different. When 88% of my ex-es are still in love with, it should come as no surprise that even after breaking up, my first ex is still in love with me. and that i say to him, "i hate you." and he says, "you wanna talk something else." "good night" "goo.." click. the call is snapped. Ain't i a bitch? X - X - X Then, my latest ex, who was not in love with me is seen at the Club C9. He texts me that i should not do this to myself. What the ...? Like who has given the right to him to comment on me whether i was ever happy or sad. i was neither. i was a statue tonight. completely opposite on the other end of the spectrum; opposite to lively, as Mr. A put it. X - X - X Am i gonna be crucified? i already was. Am i gonna be made king? i already was. Am i gonna reach salvation.? i already had. Am i gonna crucify myself. i did. already. Now, Mr. I felt nothing, anymore. so, he became a statue, seeing others. I saw others doing what they did best: actors' on a world's stage. Increasin their market value on GYSE: Gay York's Stock Exchange. And i was the most actively traded. And today, that was not even touchable. Crucified itself to Salvation to absolvation, to zenith or nadir? Zenith, i prefer. for, Mr. I never accepts defeat on its face, and kills obstacles to belive destiny's gift: luck. Luck. The only factor in GYSE. Destiny: The only outcome. Really? Lets see, Mr. I.

Wanna live inside

i wanna live free,
i wanna breathe,

spread my wings
and fly high.

touch the sky
sail the oceans.

feel the breeze
and star dust..

dont wanna cry
dont wanna die...

i wanna live inside ...

Does Love Exist?

Searched for love,
Love found me, and betrayed..

I found love again and it died..
I found love again, and we weren't compatible..
I found love again, and he wasn't eligible..
I found love again, and his priorities were different..
I found love again, and he broke it for family..
I found love again, and he did the 'right' thing..
I found love again, and he left for the society..
I found love again, and he didn't believe me..
I found love again, and he was with someone else..
I found love again, and there was generation gap..
I found love again, and he didn't listen to his heart, but others' tongue
I found love again, and he broke up in public for my bisexual orientation..
I found love again, and he was engaged..
I found love again, and he had aids..
I found love again, and he was married..
I found love again, and he was fuckin rich
I found love again, and i was not his type
I found love again, and i wasn't sexually satisfying for him
I found love again, and i wasnt enough caring
I found love again, and i cudn't express my love enough for him
I found love again, and he fell in love with someone else
I found love again, and he was just looking for casual
I found love again, and he made me his friend..
I found love again, and he wasn't ready..
I found love again, and he was poor
I found love again, and we were in opposite parts of the world
I found love again, and he trusted in destiny..

with my tear soaked heart dried,
still with remembrances of my first love
and all the loves that turned me..
Into what? ..
An emotional psycho-sexual 'slut/cripple' ??
...kinda makes me wonder,
Does love exist?

Unconditionality

To care unconditionally for someone, is to truly love someone.

When it isn't about morally debased physicality of passions hung up, but when it's awesomely wholesome, awesomely love-making with the eyes and words.

When words are for each other, and when words are spoken without a voice, without a language. When words are spoken by the eyes...

When he hugs you, takes you in his arms, and you feel lost, you want to be lost completely in them..

When he cares for your reputation, cares for your respect, for your integrity..

When he cares for you, and takes you out for hukkah, and pasta with white sauce, the combination you love.. When he's readily gives you the bite you want, and still says nothing, but looks at you lovingly..

When, in the night, he prepares the bed for tired you, and hugs you, kisses on your forehead, and you need the whole bed since you are already asleep.. so he himself sleeps on the floor...

Is it love?

~<3~

I f*ck'd this guy..

< Not a personal experience. Any correlation bearing to any incidents or any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental. >

I f*ck'd this guy,
this really hot hot guy
he f*ck'd his way through thirty
and i was but twenty two..

It was yesterday night,
we rocked the red cab black and blue,
we sweated in dark lane,
and there was High in our veins...

it was thirty past two,
when we f*ck'd like minks,
and so passionately close,
Even lovers in bliss couldn't ever be..

Never stopped f*ck'n his soft back
Never stopped tasting his nipples,
Never stopped kissing his nape
never stopped biting his lips, hard..

It was but an hour,
we were not even exhausted,
hormones kept raising to our heads
while our bodies swayed to the beating rhythm..

He had a plane to catch
and i had to proofread my boss' file..
but there lay his tickets on the floor,
beneath them, my boss' file..

Thinking about him, f*ck'n him,
made me desperate, horny,
yet turned me off like hell
as if what was i doin there, naked?

he said i was f*ck'n hot,
he even called my name
he shouted the pleasure's moan
And felt heaven on earth..

Could i? i felt everything
yet i felt i felt nothing
there was everything f*ck'n sexy and jelled up..
yet i felt it dry and bare..

Was i irritated?
was i where i shouldn't be?
was i rememberin my ex, when his call came..?
was i in love with this guy?

Did i feel used?
Did i feel i used him?
Did i hate his very touch?
Did i felt touched by love itself?

grabbed his groins hard
and f*ck'd him harder,
spanked him, hard, yet harder
and made love to his lips...

jerked him off,
and he got off, on tickets and my boss' file
and i was as hard as ever
yet didn't feel anything..

zipped trousers up,
cleaned with the magazines
wiped clean, after playin' dirty
And called the cab driver

Said bye,
dropped out at the next stop,
with my head and his butt f*ck'd
and nothin' much...

I f*ck'd this guy,
this really hot hot guy,
who got turned on and got off..
asked me when again? it's never again..

Back from Digital Vacation: Updating... 1000%

Back from the digital vacation!

How was it? High and ebbs...

Like feel like a betrayer, a lover, being betrayed...

Feel like that I ditched a lot of people.. and a few ditched me :-)

Anyways, feelings are far from facts, and truth can be far from facts too...

Truth is... I really got a first hand experience of what a Casanova would have felt like. Dead inside.

Being unemotional is different from feeling deadbeat.

Being going around, with colours of sheets changing every night.. and reaching the heights of ecstasy for most of the nights celebrated and coronated with high spirits..

And then having multiple boyfriends and multiple girlfriends. Feel tired.. who can handle them all? And i am a single one guy..

Dating.. phew.. dates are so hard to find.. i mean real dates.. not casual, not romantic, not friendly, but you know there's a spark, an adventure that you see in their eyes...

Feel like mapped the entire geography of the world.. now searching for aliens, maybe? :P

And then, those open relationships, while counting myself single... why cannot everyone just dump me for once and all... perhaps, they still want to experiment.. is it? is it an adventure for them? is it that they wait that i'll change to whom i was once before, only a few months ago? is it that they still feel that i have a heart which cares and can love.. like love love!

It's the very idea of having two radically opposite ideas, two radically different perspectives, two radically different value systems: nay, the opposite two poles, which seemingly compete with each other.. yet, they merge, mix and fuse together into perfect harmony as of now in my life...

the question remains, after trying everything.. after seen everything.. ok ok.. let me be not so pompous, almost everything, truly.. for such a young age as i am .. by the time i turned 21.45 years old, i was almost giving counselling to married men of 35+ years of age and singles of 26+ !

Phew!

So, the question remains.. do i ? do i like to be in harmony? i mean monogamy was good.. but things changed.. and they changed me to the extent that i stopped believing in the very idea of why one thing should be given so much preference over another.. did i get bored? perhaps, of the hype given to monogamy..

and then.. did i get bored of polygamy? maybe yes..

so i went ahead for open relationship... but, then, i would .. hmm.. not be monogamous.. yet monogamously involved..

so i counted myself single.. like really?

Smooching random guys (atleast more than 4), who might belong to seconds or even thirds in terms of items on sale in a Saturday night flea-shop (club)... and maybe if one of the guy is lucky.. lol... if to what, approve of polygamy? nope. i just felt so. With no concern for my f*cked up image..

what is image anyway? i started with a clean slate. and then my exes landed me into bullshit.. saying things which i had never done.. ensuring my future break-ups..and then friends whom you could trust, in two months their tongues are like snakes.. worse than snake's bite.. and to top it all.. for people who are 'high maintenance' and do PR for their images.. they are the ones who are the f*cked up b*tches on bed.. like as if i have never made out with any of them.. rather most of them.. so pretentious.. always pretending to be something..someone you are not.. you think no one f*cking sane and with little bit of sensibility would not be able to see through your maneuvers .. lolz.. and str8 world is just a toned down f*cked up version of the g*y world! No less different.. (coz, prob they aren't so f*cked up by society!)

there are no lifepartners, no real friends, and no reputation, anyway! No truth..

(I still count on some exceptions though.. duh! .. my life's blood they all are!)

---

Anyways, to the lovers of abstraction, it would seem a perfect idea, to be able to get anything and everything that heart can desire, yet not to be able to still get few things.. and then, even in harmony, you get bored..

Am i bored? thats question lulls my very existence of thought. Simply, i dont know! I know i am not confused. know what i want, and what i dont want.. in my life.. but at this time, i dont want to know..

i choose not to know.. to stay in the moment.. to feel the heat of the passion .. and to coldly see it evaporate...

All to say, to end this.. is that out of the entire week, i actually sleep for more than 3.5 hrs maybe two-three days (and four if i am lucky!) why? bfs, gfs, casual dates, home, family, extended family, lovers, acquaintances, str8 friends, lesbian friends, sisters and brothers, casual dates, romantic dates, ons, ona(affair), work, work, work, hobbies, cooking, extra-curricular, reading, cleaning, phone calls, making love over fone, internet, chat, mails, more work, office, home work, social cause, networking, exercising (just started)! .. Phew.. need to make my life simpler: Scheduling! lolz...

Anyways, those 3 days i have this recurring dream: that there's a huge deck of cards of people with whom i am involved emotionally or physically or intellectually, or spiritually even.. and that all of them know everything..(i m pretty honest in terms of communication.. believe in openness) and that one day this entire deck will fall down and stand in a line and charge @ me...

Not that i fear everything falling apart.. i dont.. and i know what have been risks .. as well as all its 'tangible' and 'intangible' 'assets' and 'liabilities'. and i dont mind having a meltdown, and crisis...

But then, i'll get rap*d emotionally and f*ck royally!

Atleast, that should be a stimulating adventure!

(*-^)

Why is Foursome better than Threesomes? - Part I

I've had like three threesomes, and they were fucking good.

My third or fourth (i am confused! :P) ex-boyfriend, told me he didn't like threesomes. And mind you, he was sexually active. Much more than me.

Yesterday night was the first time I had my first four-some.

Well, here's how it all started: With Onesome. lolz :-)

I had thought that I would do myself a sexual favor for the fourth time in the day, in the night.

However, my very dear friend, called up in the afternoon. And I've slept with him earlier. His body is fucking hot. He's this slim guy, fair, innocent face, but manly, little but right hair on his chest.

btw, some people think i've turned into this horny crazy bastard (others fantasize as a bitch!)! well, i am not, for the record. I am dating, too. and i do respect others for what they are. But, i've expanded my horizons (not my ass, yet!)! And i've become open minded, and flexible to deal with the flow of life!

Yea, so his chest. The nipples are fucking hot. Like my first ex's. Soft, yet fully formed, and better than my first ex's. :-)

So, he called me. He was lonely. So was I. and i said yes. yes, i will come over and spend the night. Lets call him harry! I'm abhi! :-)

So, after finishing my shopping in sec 17, i got a call from an unknown no. a guy, whom i didnt know. We talkd, and he came to meet me in sec 17. He pretty much liked me. His lips were good, red, with passion. And he was medium built, slim, the guy next door, good for rendezvous! His name was P. P was cancerian. And i liked him, made a move towards him, standing by his side, so that he could feel me, my breath, and my hard-on.

And then, he was filled with lust. And fear. I had this crazy idea: I want a threesome! And i asked him out. he wanted to meet the other guy, harry. But then, i thought, he left. Too fearful, or too hasty. anyways, he'll call me later (or so he said.)

So then, harry arrives in front of Wills Lifestyle, where my first 'official' ex (yea, had many be4 him too :-) ) is shopping! nyways, that made me more a crazy bastard. I remembered fucking him. How he used to cry out and his hand on my nipple, and smooching him.. (he's a hardcore top, btw... but love makes one do crazy things.. i did a lot! got addicted to poppers, Courtesy Rahil Marwi: my first official ex!)

So, yea, i see harry aka corby, and then i smooched him. (tht's the right thing to do, when u meet ur crush and lover and friend!) PDA (Public display of Affection: Always work for gays!) P.S. I think my ex, Rahil, and his second ex-bf, Parwaksh, got jealous and horny! :-)

Yea, my mind wanders a lot! sorry! Mwah, to my third or fourth ex: Manish S69. He was one of my best, honest out of all bfs or gfs i've had. (Had my breakup with a gf recently, so remembered her, too, in the market!)

Hmm, so i meet this guy harry, and smooch him in front of the world, and whisper in his cute left ear: "Threesome?"

................................................................ To be continued..............................................................

Love: A Reflection

Love is a cruel emotion

It has no feeling, no regard,

It will break your heart

Like a twig in two.

How can I forget you, my love?

You were the Only Truth for me

You were the incarnate divine

How can I forget you, my love?

Life's heart is you,

Its blood, its veins

And now that you've left

All's there but everything.

How can I lift this veil

This golden veil of your memories

And this is the veil

Now, that made me blind and stifled my breath...

Still, wudn't I rather die of your memories,

Than to lift this ethereal illusion, This indecisiveness...

Love, alas is a mirror, with both sides silvered

Tearing mind and heart apart, being the greatest illusionist.

Remembering You, My Love ...

Soothing Memories

Of You

Sing their melody.

Divinity, Radiant

In your words immortalized

In my heart

Remembering You,

My Love, My Love

Forever...

Increasing Shifts in Media towards a Gay-Friendly Outlook in Western Soaps

Turn the power button on to watch our favorite show along with dinner at night, don’t we? Your favorite English soap – F.R.I.E.N.D.S., Gossip Girl, Will & Grace, Boston Legal or Desperate Housewives. What do they have in common? A portrayal of a gay character and the challenges that surround him.

While contemporary media is catering to newer ideas of family and love, it also is targeting at the niche of gays and lesbians. Bringing a Gay character or a couple in the story, media today is representing the diversity in human cultures and orientations, just as various business schools in the USA have clubs for.

Whether its Eric in ‘Gossip Girl’, or Andrew Van de Kamp of ‘Desperate Housewives’, the soap directors have tried to hint at the challenges faced by the ‘gay son’ of coming out in the society, the undeserved humiliation and the stigma attached to it, the daily complications of their relationships and also the family’s reaction to it and how they handle the situation. It is also shown being gay is a matter of personal happiness, and if a family really loves their children they’ll accept their sons as they are. All the parents should teach their progeny is to be a good human being, a rightful being, and being gay doesn’t mean that the child’s moral character is flawed; rather, it can prove that they can be more sensitive to issues, and can grow to be responsible.

‘Will & Grace’ has the lead male protagonist Will as a gay man. The other character, Jack, is shown as a typically idiotic sensitive and slightly ‘funny gay’. Will is painted as a person who is more serious in life and his boyfriend has just left him, who was with him for past seven years, at the show premiere. The loneliness and how his female friend, Grace, cheers him up is sketched quite beautifully. Will and Grace are shown as best friends and a best friendship can only exist if one is non-judgmental and shows unconditional attachment and caring and acceptance.

‘Boston Legal’ has an episode where Alan Shore defends gay rights and makes the audiences search their soul about giving gays the basic right of humanity – the freedom of choice to be happy. It also points at having the respect towards each other as a fellow being, and first of all as a human being. Though towards the end, the ‘gay’ marriage between Alan Shore and Danny is shown, and they are not gay characters but two honest, die-hard friends, the directors have also subtly hinted at the various other aspects that people forget about a gay relationship. Sex is not the only part of the relationship that many people look down upon. A gay relationship is more than just gay sex; it can also mean caring for each other as partners, sharing the fears, and the dreams, the emotions, the success and the failures, the crushes and loves of their lives and their souls.

One of the best sketches of the gay relationship has been shown vividly in FRIENDS, i.e., the lesbian relationship of Carol, ex-wife of Ross, and Susan. They also raise the Carol and Ross’ baby boy, Ben, together. This has also challenged the society’s concept that a gay couple can’t raise a child successfully. It is shown that the child is raised as if he’s a normal child, and he does have his father also. Typically, in real life, this role could be performed by the grandfather or the legal male guardian for the child being raised by a lesbian couple. It thus, raises the flag of giving “gay rights” of right to marry, the right to adopt kids and the right to personal choice of finding happiness in a gay relationship. All the issues have been portrayed in a life-like manner, in realism, which, indicate that gay relationships can certainly contribute towards leading our society in a better direction, in a healthier emotional environment if the society becomes more open and has a broader perspective on a gay life partnership.

Media is often said to be the touchstone of fresh take on issues. It can also serve as providing us with milestones of the change in the course of history. Media can also be the change we want the society to be, and it is a very important predictor of the changes in mankind at large. Today, this cursor certainly points at the right to personal freedom of choice, the right to individual happiness, and towards giving the basic respect and rights that this fraction of society deserves and has been long deprived of it.