Stuck at Me!

Why are you still all over me?
Why are you still in love?
Why are you still ...
Stuck at me...

Everything that I did
Was wrong in your eyes,
You were the one to break up
With me, Stopped seeing me...
You wanted to see others,
love, kiss and hug others,
lay down next to them,
Making love to them..
In sheets, you wetted yourself
at motels on the NH1 and NH21
Giving a morning kiss to me on the phone,
while smooching that gigolo..

you threw my rose
in a bouquet
by your fuck buddy...
so, now what the fuck???

Y r you so obsessed with me,
Giving me calls like one and seventy
And everytime i can just but
cut them like you did with my heart...

All i know was that it was all over..
Now, why r u all over me?
Now that you cant impress me anymore..
Now that you dont matter to me...

Lying to everyone, that am all about you
Sexing you up, When I am quite over you
So please be truthful now-- what you are..
You are still stuck at me!

P.S. This is for someone who has been the inspiration behind this. Cheers to you!

SPIRITUALITY

Spirituality, I think, is one of the most essential ingredients, if one wants to keep his sanity of mind, and not degrade his character or principles which we all believed in before stepping into this side...

Have you ever sat down, and done an introspection and analysis of what all has happened to you and your life.. after you became active in this scene? or what changes have entered your life , after all these things..

Reflecting on my own experiences, my stupidity, my intelligence, and at what all happened to me.. i guess, it has been more filled with things, than ever before, and at the same time, a feeling of eternal emptiness filling me inside.. making me feel worthless and a low sense of self esteem..

Gay world is a bitchy world.. Everyone sleeps with everyone mostly.. Everyone falls in love with someone .. Someone betrays always.. one will surely bitch about you .. many will again add sugar and spice to it... and everyone will hear... many will always believe it.. someone wont./..rarely....
Noone will be at your side sometime... You'll cry, all alone..

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. It can only be developed and strengtheened in trial and suffering". Helen Keller has rightly said... is it? That is , if you have go9t strrong nerves take it.. . some dont; and take a direct road to ending their own lives....

sometimes, i think, isnt it better to end all this? To end , and get over it.. fininsh it in one go..
But, then, what good would it do? to my parents? To my teachers.. to my fa,mily >? to my friends, one or two they maybe , who can die for me.. i am responsible to them..

Its not a matter of responsibility also, on thinking deeper.. it's ;like climbing the hill... Past... To forget it and forgive your ownself , and others who has wronged you... even to the extent of defaming you in thwe whole town.. i guess, still you must be strong enough to undergo this excruciating Herculean task...

For in victory, man grows.. "Strength is Life, weakness, death." Swami Vivekananda...

And moreover, we must not be ostriches... who put their heads in holes,... when they see imminent danger .. .

All of us have our own heartbreaks.. own hurts.. , but it lies in the greater nature of man, to try to overcome it... Our eyes are placed in front of our head, our nose in front.. so that we can see New, breathe New.. feel New, and also , live New .. it's higher wisdom to be detached in bliss.. to be in equanimity in any situation.. To remember that whatever my problem is, i am bigger than it .. is the right way..

A life has various aspects.. Sexuality, Emotions, Mental, Intellyectual, Psychological... is a part of it.. Spiritual is a higher part of it..

Guess, we should all rise higher..

YouRGuideTo 10 Most Daring KISSES :-) -- Series I

Series I

YouRGuideTo

10 Most Daring Kisses

With, At, When ... in Delhi and Chandigarh :-)

(P.S. : Of course, some groundwork has been done to prove it! :P )

1. With a stranger, at McDonalds, ISBT, Kashmere Gate, Delhi, 11 am
2. With a just-met date, inside Metro, DMRC, when the metro stops at last stop around 12 noon ( it was actually taped, we forgot to get off the train, and the guy on the radio literally screamed, "stop thinking to go further.. get off. the last station has arrived )
   
3. With a chef, inside the kitchen, Taj just before your birthday celebration...
   
4. With a hooker, @ P n P, 1 am, middle of the party ( or Down Under, HM, Sec 17, Chd, on 31st December, .. even the str8 crowd is there :P )
5. With a college fellow, behind the shrine of temple, at 6 pm
6. With a college faculty, inside library, between two bookshelves, at 5.10 pm
7. With a complete unknown person, in the forested area of sec 43, near ISBT, Chandigarh, at 11 pm
8. With a date, in Sec 17, in front of the Fountain, ( Gay's Joint) at 11.30 am
9. With a sexy flight attendent on an international flight, just behind the lavatory (where's their place for them), of course, during flight timings ( most of the ppl were watching movie.. and we just had a scotch and wine, and were in a little high .. P )
10. Yea, not to forget, my bedroom, with someone , sometime, in college, as well as in my home :P ( keep guessing.. lol.. everyone near me was .. a little suspicious... that was the most fun... )

XOXO :) ... a compiled guide for you :P muaahh !













XOXO :) ... a compiled guide for you :P
(with pics :) )

muaahh !

ny comments, guys ???

To My Ex :-)

All the lies,
shattering
All the answers,
betraying.

The truth still lives on,
Inside me,
Chopping me
like an axe.

In my conscience
I feel
the guilt
of my love

Of my love
that was you,
beautiful-
that you stifled.

I dont want you
back in my life
you never did and never will
deserve my love.

from Honor and character
you went to
candour and boast
to the lies all so heavy

accepting cards of love from others,
on your birthday...
how can you make love to me?
how can i make love to you?

you were never there
when i needed you
now that everything's over,
suddenly i become your need?

just know one last thing
i'll break this love
i'll break this heart
and i'll wipe myself clean of your every touch.

just know this
straying and betraying
are two different things
had you strayed, you would have never broken my home.

just know this
i'll never forget a betrayal
and a betrayal that was you
and i promise you, i wont have a second one.

just know this,
i am not the kinds
to stay
when it's time to leave and say, "Good-bye"!


P.S. -- it's just the title is the title. nothing intended :P

Sexual Compatibility

I think sexual compatibility between two persons doesn't depend on the orientation or the preferences. It depends much much more on the the sexual chemistry between two partners.

Two tops or two bottoms may be happy together, and satisfied. I disagree with the notion that if one of the partners is top and the other bottom, then only their preferences match. Moreover, I would also disagree with the terms referring to active or passive roles on bed.

Sex, at it's zenith, is making love, and at its ebb, is just another fuck. While making love, there's no need of inhaling intoxicants, love is the greatest intoxication ever.

TO BE CONTINUED .... (EDITED HERE.. THANX FOR VISITING... HOPING TO CATCH UP WID YA AGAIN, SOON! )

:-)

AT THE CLUB

These lasers blind my eyes-
Hugo, Boss and Brut sting
The disc's burning the floor
With the heat of feet and flirting.

To dance the night away,
The body’s taking over the soul-
Those glares and the glances
At the luxuries of the dark.

Beer, Haig, Whiskey, Wine and Champagne
Wills, Duke, and Marlboro Lights
Hookah’s smoke and glasses clink
Adding jive to the lively beats...

Hash's high and a coke's line:
The ecstasy of the pure lifting-
Like a zero gravity atmosphere
Is heavy with glamour’s shine.

All this is a party cake-
The guests belong to A-list,
Who wear laughter's as fake
As accessories adorned!

At the Club, Life's
Having colors of beauty, volatile,
The truth's hidden beneath, dark and void,
The color that is, is as black and empty as night!

WRITING MY NOVEL...

Crossed - The Untouchables of Mordern India

Crossed out
These emotions
Of Life
I live.

Black Marks
of Society
on head-
The Untouchable

Something Deep and Meaningful, I feel..

This is the first time i am feeling elated after two years. With last affair ending in immense pain and a nerve-wrecking experience, it took me quite a time to recover and have rebirth of my heart.

Previously, I have always felt things cannot work out in longer run. With others, they had approached me. And it's been more of midsummer's night dream, passionate, steamy, intense, like you are in a high, having a good one, intense, giving you the feeling of high, and when you are done in five minutes, it's over. Tata, bbye!

This one's different. There is a voice inside us, that i believe in, and that would tell us when it's the real thing, no matter how absurd or vague or incomprehensible it may be. this one's like you are there, making love with your own soul, your own better (or worse! lol.. ) half. It lasts for the whole night, there once.. throughout the night, with the peak of feelings there at dawn when relaxation takes over. The serenity of love then overcomes the intensity of ecstasy, and you end up there, on the same place, with the same wonderful soul, loving more and more, deeper inside.

It's like the twilight after days of darkness. It's like the ray of hope vaporizing the clouds and making the silver lining shine more brightly. It's like dawn. It feels right. It feels like it's for lifetime.

I don't care whether it's gonna work out or not, whether we would have any relationship or not. All that matters to me is Love, and that we should be honest and truthful to each other, and share our mind and body, heart and soul.

All that I know is that I'm gonna try my best and even fight against God or Destiny if need be! And I'm not gonna cry or feel bad or even regret any moment of the moments filled with beauty and divinity, if our future is not with us.

:-)


That's all for now!

HMMMM ... to be continued in My Life :P

AND THE REST IS HISTORY ... lol.. (and maybe who knows .. what .. future?)!!!

CIAO!!


CATCH YA AT POLKA TONIGHT !

Rock Da Party !!!

@ P n P ... autobiography...

hmm, dressed my mind to party..

why ? i had been thinking about it on monday whether to go or not..

and then, on tuesday my ex called.. (as usual, as all my ex-es .. he's attracted to me fatally.. and all of them till now..have wanted to get back together after having a break-up!! sometimes, they had broken up. and it was fun seeing them proposing back... and before u make any serious judgements about me.. all of those were teenage midsummer night's dream.. intense and short.. and till now i've never ben with siomeone in a relationship, with whom i wanted to.. so technically, ii have't had a single relationship , though to give some space in that , i wud like my last relationship as a very serious affair.. since it was devoid of commitment most of the time )

and had a talk .. maybe to work things out.. but then, the blame game starts..

hmm., i've tried N no. of times to shift the scenario from placing the blame and sit cryimg to finding the cause and sort it out.. but then, with some ppl and things dont change at all..

anyways, my inspiration for going to pnp was fuelled by him.. i had planned to saty in delhi and take rest for a couple of days.. ( i find delhi nice place to relax! and just goto sleep and take dreams.... which i am usually in dearth of.. )

i didnt know anyone.. so i planned to go alone.. but then, fortunately, one of my friends called me.. and he changed his plans.. . Anyways,, for the record, i broke up with my ex, due to some personal reasons.. and he also wanted a break-up more than me at that time.. at that time, i had thought we could work out sssomething.. and not let the vase to be broken.. but then, i realised after going through lot of stupidity that the vase is broken, and cannot be mended again..

anyways, the point is, i am over my sort of ex, which with whom i was in sort of relationship... ( which i never wanted to get into with hi,m.. due to our mutual incompatibility , and which was proved right after two months itself.. and it remained the same after an year when we were sort-of going out... okasy okay, i dont mince words.. if it was a serious relationship, and then it was a disaster.. and also i knew things beforehand, and didnt want to get into it with the person... it's not that the person had serious faults.. i just wasnt compatible with his nature, and we both wanted different things.. but we arent on great terms either.. never were.. by the way, he took a lot of care and loved me very much and i also reciprocated .. so it's not even that//)

hmm.. sometimes, i think he is not over me.. and i know it.. maybe, he would never be, ... i know his nature, and have predicted it before, when he wud lie and when he wud tell the truth..

so, the point ios he said some striking things.. which i felt .. like what the fuck? what the hell.. who is he to decide what i wan and what i shud or shudn't do... and btw, ii am a lot wiser than him in many respects, and in some areas, he is/// and this is clearly not his area..

so, i dressed, and wore a bracelet that i loved, since the time i bought it from kuala lumpur.. it's a nice accessory, and some designes have also appreciated my choice.. .it's smart and futuristic , and at the same time goes well for the party .. and it's elegant..

so, putting up on my best spirits and leaving stress and heavy thoughts rising from heavy talk with my ex, behind, i caught an auto, and reached PnP.. the atmosphere's different, thoguh nowadays many ppl are complaining about the crowd.. hm.. most of the crowd's we;ll .. kinda fine.. but then some are like... gaaaawwwwwd!


anyways, so i entered this bar\club .. and it's sucjh a small crumped up place.. last time i was here on 16th december 2008.. and this time now.. 24th march 2009.. this was my second party and i had completely studded in my mind that i am going to enjoy and have a time of my life..

so, i with my friend took beer , and danced around, flirtingly.. ( oh! i m such a slut! .. lol// ) ( but dont get me wrong either.. i was isngle, readfy to mingle.. so was :P ) just some pure innocwnt fun..

danced to the song selection which was perfectly fine according to the environment's ambience, but still some songs do fall out of place..

and i smooched some four-five guys.. whom i didb't know, and out of those , i learnt one was a professional gigolo.. hmm.. pretty much of a desperate time pass seeker i am ( i dont waste time much either .. catch me on any normal day , even my parents have to take an appointment .. lol literally ). so i moved flirtingly, and then, i just danced with people whom i liked.. and my one criteria was.. all of them shud be starngers.. and dat time, i had had two beerz, and five smokes...so muy thinking department was pretty much in an oblivion state...so and i wont take any names here..either. .. ( last time on 16th... i did nothing, and felt bored, lost, and moreover, no fun and frolic , and moreover, my ex ruined the fun caling on my fone.. so this time my phone was silent! ) i just moved across the floor according to the rythm..

this time i tasted epicuream pleasures mostly, and not even a single hedonistic.. so it was all very childish..

now comes the interesting part :P

when i was going to the washroom ( which i dont admiore much either.. it's cramped) i saw this guy .. cute guy.. lol.. ( hey, don think fantasize that i was there huntong for someone with lust in my eyes.. as wild as i may sound and do wild things.. i still would like to have my heart pure.. ).. so i noticed this guy, who was cute, and holding a glass filled wih i dont know what .. and gave him a glance on my way/. he did give me a glance back.. but then, it was not very much to lead upon.. he was there.. one arm leaning slightly along the table and watching coolly at all the people who were there grandly displaying there stuppidity in flora and fauna in dancing styles, which was humorous to look at. anyways, so he was so calm, peaxceful.. as if he hadnbt come for the party.. standing there al0ne , i was li'l /// hmm well, surprised and also a litle butterfly flittered in my stomach ..

so, i came back from the washroom.. and danced the music, and smooched another three guys, and had a smoke.. and then, i saw him agaibn.. whoosh.. the guy's standing str8, and dressed in all black.. i was wearing blqack pullover and blue denim.. and also a Hugo.. and he has this nice black stud in his ear, that actually was going quite well with his apparel, ( i never admiore studs worn on a ear) and his chest was smooth, with his three top buttons of his jet-black shirt open... hmm.. quite sensuous, not i think so.. that time, i was just analysing as a webcam.. what all he looked like and what all he was like, like admiring the symmetry and beauty of the flower, in a similar childlike manner...

so then, i also saw that he was there, alone.. actually, that was the thing that caught my attention.. why wud he be alone, and not dance.. i mean all were dancing.. and he was like this statue just conastrained there to watch other people?? it seemed quite unusual, and then, suddenly in my mind, he had an aura of mystery, which pullled me to him. Still, one needs courage to ask a nyone, and for me, even for directions, sometimes! so, instead, i went to the washroom, and since, my mouth was reeking with cigarette smell, i just washed my mouth and rinsed it with water. i did gargles. then, i wore my specs, and opedned the door, and just went out/

i went in front of him and innocently said, " Would you like to have a dance with me?"

And, man! you should have seen the look on his face.. it was like ..i thought what have ui asked ,, that this person is so afraid or embarassed or lost ... and i couldnt bring to myself the classification of his expression.. and i was bewildered at seeeing his bewilderment :) and so next i said,

: i won't kiss you.. don't worry" (he seemed to be sorta novice to me.. that's why, and i thot he must have seen me kissing other guys like i m a flirt, so that's why ui said that)

and then, after mych awaited and breath baited second, he pulled himse;lf together and incoherently answered that he doesn't dance.

i said " so, i dont know how to dance.. and nyways, most of the ppl here dont knoew.. it's all about enjoying.. c'mon"

and he says" ohk,.. have we met before?"

i was like, wanting to say yes... wishing that we had met before..

"No. My name's Aniket."

" hi! my name's.... ."

And then, he started speaking something.. and i was already deafened by the loud raunchy music there.. so asked him, could we go out.. ?


TO BE CONTINUED...

A Note To My Love

Love eternal carries no meaning-
In my lexicon, there art no synonyms,
For it bears everything in itself-
For, it encompasses every word.

Love's a voyage truly beautiful
And it's presence makes life complete.
It's a state of Euphoria Ultimate-
A state of Bliss, state closer to God!

It's a play- a play of trust and betrayal!
The actors put on masks that they hide.
The dances danced are the nights unknown
That sleeping morning in cool whispers blows.

If it be one with spirit, and be it for years-
If it be the first and the last- the only one,
It'll be the flower's blossom touched!
It'll be the Fountain of Youth, the Gods' Jealousy!

For Gods are lonely One! Mortals in Love, Two!
We die, but we can love and make love in all ways-
Known and Unknown, said and unsaid, nay, and more-
True Love's the Only One that even Gods kowtow!

My Life : The Start... EPILOGUE

"Love.

I don't wanna know what love is.

For I've had it. Pain. No longer. No longer want to love.

Want to be a stranger to love, to pain, to betrayal, to heartbreak.

The eyes of everyone near me are coldly preying. Biting me colder than ice. As if, I've broken the rules. As if, there are rules in love.

What is left for me? Nothing but pain filling me with emptiness. Numb heartbeats pumping the blood; thrusting my life with a future. Future? With whom? Where? Where now I've left to go?

Friends? Haven't I left them behind for love? I have none. None who can understand my plight."

Standing on the balcony of tenth floor, Abhi was thinking, stretching dangerously on the railing. Rich, young, smart, innocent, intelligent, multi-talented, versatile genius, inventor, artist, handsome, tall, spiritual, having a self-made business, poet, practical oriented, loveable, and very experimental. Who hadn't fantasized him? Drunken now, intoxicated by both love, and coke, holding a glass of champagne tilted slightly. It was 5.30 in the morning. Twilight. The horizon's unclear as his life was. Wearing slippers, and a brand new expensive nightwear brought last night. It was pure white, clear as in contrast to everything. As contrasting as death is to life.

"I am alone. All alone.

When love couldn't have trust, whats the use of love? When life's voyage is without love, what's the point in sailing.

Who would want me? Truly care besides his own selfishness?

Why would someone care for me? What do I have to give him? I have nothing to give.

Why is my life like this? God, you would know I would have happily traded all I have, even my own heart and life.. Why is it like this ?

It's difficult to wear masks everyday. I don't want to wear happiness anymore, it makes me realize how sad I am.

Sadness. The concept that had been alien to me two years ago... (smile) Why today, its blood is running in my heart and making it heavy?

Love's got no truth, no belief.

Love couldnt trust me. How many amends... How many sacrifices?

Still....

What's the hope? There's no family I've have, and none left. I've houses all over the world, but ... no home... Perhaps, now I dont belong to Earth.. Perhaps, home is abode above.

What hope do I have to live on?

What? How? Why?

I dont need love. Anymore.

I dont need Life."

The hand left the railing.

As if it was Final Goodbye.

Stop Stop Stop (Lyrics I loved)

No I didn't trust him
But he rushed me to feel
Tried to mesmerize me and was
All sex appeal

Told me everything
That I was longing to hear
Shiny and handsome
My souvenir

And then all of a sudden
I have fallen in love
He would put me down
But I'd still place him above

Tired of searching for the love
That still lives in him
Giving my everything
Like a souvenir

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could feel every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could taste every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

I've become invisible
I melt away at night
Dreaming once so colourful
Becomes black and white

Loving once so wonderful
Is no longer here
So I'll keep this feeling
Like a souvenir

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could feel every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

Given up my heart
In the name of a memory
Fallen down like rain
He could taste every drop

Now I know I have
Have the courage to tell him
Tell him to stop stop stop

CHANGED !!!

The life's vicious as the circle here is. That's the truth stuck up at the edge of the knife.

Rumors have more ears than the truth; and break TWO hearts conjoined.

I'm officially done with all this. Finished. Changed. Today.

Leaving the past to the past-- all the friends who betrayed, the lover who didn't even trust me, all the people who had negative influence, the backbiters, the people because of which I spoiled half of my life.

Finally, there's no solace except writing. My third Love :)

[ My first love being myself, second chocolates ... third... fourth poetry, fifth music, reading and wine :P)

People have loved me. People have hated me. (And i don't give a damn now.. what's the fun, anyways .. every thing's a blur here?)

Anyways, the point is: I M BACK!

The lesson that I've learnt from my life always is this: Never lose yourself. Your Own Self is the one that's gonna stick by u throughout the ruts and grits of Life. (And this time, hopefully, i'll be more in my senses!)

I have seen so much, heard so much, felt so much.. that for now, I just wanna be blind, deaf and dumb and numb.

Not Looking for anything now.. Just Figuring out Life itself, and how i gotta live it with myself!

I've cried like anything, every night with the pangs of loneliness and biting words of betrayal eating my senses. How many nights have passed when the pillow was there to hug me , and i had only one. No sleep. I know now how it is. And i dont want any more of that now in my Life. Gotta make it. Make it to freedom from bondages false; and now, i have myself, My own Love. AND SOMEDAY, I WILL. I will be free.

P.S. : NOW, I AM CURRENTLY NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING. I HAVE ALL I NEED, AND DESIRE (FOR NOW, I DESIRE RIGHTLY.); I AM JUST GONNA WRITE, PROBABLY A SHORT GAY NOVEL NOW :) ...

WATCH OUT for it !!!

Love.. Is it???
What is it called? When you are waiting for someone, to be in your arms, but suddenly, you don't want him for the mistakes committed??

This is the question i have been asked ... or rather quite baffled...

Well Well... Let's get the facts straight and emotions right...

Why is it that you keep on giving chances??

You did love him .. right?

And then, when he doesn't understand, then it hurts ... and it cuts deep your heart...

However, it's wise to know that true love can never be without understanding...

And spaces, which strengthen bonds, not those that create more voids,

And there should be no suffocation... which happens when someone is possessive of you...

And it is possessiveness and obsessiveness that kills the love..

and if there is no understanding existing, then it leads the dead love to it's grave.

All I have in reply to myself and others is that this is not that perfect true love that we've been dreaming of since our childhood.. some one to hug us all along, to provide shelter of comfort in the hailstorms of Life..

We should wait for him... Meanwhile, prepare ourselves to the better...




P.S. ...Experiences happen, and always judge by actions, never by words...

You'll never be able to make a mistake... or the error of judgment of your feelings...

@ PnP :-0

who knows
what you'd say
to come to know
if i was gay.. asked myself

looking in the mirror
dressed to kill
to rock, to party,
with high of vodka

all these accessories
on my hands
wore for myself..
on which others laugh!

life is mine,
without love...
if love is there,
so, a betrayal.

trusting faces, voices
never seen, never heard
trusting myself..
seems to be long lost...

sitting behind someone..
is it vicky or alex?
or cutebuddy.. who knows
anyways, names are lies.

in this chilly weather
daring to bare my chest
for what?
a party, tonight. my night.

watched a gay porn
shagged twice,
smooched three guys
had four dates..

reached the party
paid for myself and
the cannot confirm bf
hoping, maybe, my lifepartner...

gave my purse to him..
blurred my mind in accounts
he took care of me,
took me inside.

the disc's burning the floor
the sweat's heavy
on my mind..
the lights piercing my soul

went to the washroom,
cried over my not-over-ex..
who slept with every tom
dick and harry, and didnt even tell me...

washed the face with cold water
with a guy hanging out..
in the pot, another shooting
out like a fountain.. so sickening.. so tiring..

blurred ...
everything's.// came out
honey said" i'll be back in five min,
stay put. stay here"

didn't want him to leave my side
for i was numb and drunk..
but my teeth, my mouth,
my hands, my legs were invisibly tied

so off he went,
three guys took a pass..
one offered a cigarette,
other a lighter, and third, a long drive,..

said no,
not in the mood..
kissed a random guy,
to get outta the group.

my cannot confirm most probable future bf
came along.. said.. uuu ...
i said what?
the other guy shocked...

the guy i kissed..
shook hands with my cannot confirm most probable future bf cum lifepartner(ccmpfbcl)
whom i had just been naked to my body
and soul with..

they hugged.
touched each other lightly ...
i cudn't stand, said to my ccmpfbcl-cum-probable-soulmate,
gotta get fresh air..

went out
had a smoke
extinguished with my levi's
burnt a hole, alongwith a burn

came back
li'l in my senses
cudn't find ccmpfbclcps,
headed for the bar..

stood there for ten min,
cudnt' get myself a pint..
saw some guy alone
clowned my way through

asked him, hi
can u get me something..
he was nice, it was
his first time..

so he got me what i
wanna, felt like,
cud dance with him
after all someone who should, isnt..

kissed him
smooched him
took out my hands,
hugged him

drank a pint
smoked his cigarette
dont even remember the name
think, i didn't even ask..

he was erect, so was i
in a high
took my arms, round his butt
and whoosh!, lifted him up..

he sensed wrong.. i asked why
i m not gonna hook u up.. ohk..
that was dance, the song,and enjoy!
he felt nice, smooched again..

the lights burning thru..
i took my hands
round his nape,
to touch other guys.

guys, guys, other guys
looking at , staring at me
in jealousy, at my doped eyes
and face of innocence.. (who wudnt want a fuck with me?)

... bitch, that's not what i want.

thought for a moment?
is that all we have?
a night to remember,
and the same to forget? ( was i I?)

to remember, what we are
to forget, our pains
in pegs and pints
bodies, souls shouting mutely in vain..

thumping, bumping
faces of men in dark
men, guys, together
the rainbow colors making me blind..

dunno , 1 am.
want another drink, had
some coupons...
but cudn't get any

swayed in sweat and dance
the heat and the song
the lust and the love
intoxicated, mixed with wine, .. huh ha ha huh..

a slave of the floor
of a casanova, no cure.
going near, going far
in chasing my partners, becoming a chase..

the last song of the night
so that we can drink
with foul mouths
and dance, with ached heels

to dance the night
to make out.. to have ..
coffee? ccd, barista or my bed?
the last song.. the rush..

the rush in the head
of the poppers, the smoke,
alcohol and the rock n roll
finding partners for wetting the night..

rushed out,
gotta five proposals,
found my ccmpfbclcps kissing
smooching the guy..

was still in the aura
of the fatigue and high
we had a triply
on his bike..

chatted, hugged
the were cosy..
oops! what's the guy's name
i've been dancing.. his no..?

reached home..
thought i wud sleep in my ccmpfbclcps'
arms, as i did in the evening
but after an hour, saw the guy there..

closed my eyes, in rush, in tears
in high, in joy, in incompleteness,
in fulfilment, of my party hard target!
slept like a bear!

good morning, honey..
saw the guys smooching
oh! aniket, gm
this was my ex!

who knows,
what is there inside
my heart, so broken, so gay,
they dont know when is night and when is day!


---- end

the last line is open-ended, of party, of life, of love in a gay's life. and also abot the gay's circle.

Together

Dreaming of you,
Knowing you may never
be here with me
like the stars, ever above

who knows, how i care
the care for u that i have
lost my mind and heart
over your soul

the soul wants to be the one
with your soul
believing you, even when whole
wide world telling me not to be with you

all i want to say that i love you
and i am not afraid to go
against the world, for
my world is you..

i have broken everything
the idol you idolized
i derogated to the deepest trench of
vice, lies, and betrayal.

the tongue i had,
i wish to cut it off, and never to speak again
the eyes have never seen anyone
but you, always in my heart...

i know the trust we shared
may never be the same
the love we had
may never be the same

why does my heart wants you
i want to kill it, but it never dies
for you have taken over me..
taken over me, become my breath..

that air i can inhale, but you are the
air, that i need to breathe
need to breathe to live
to live, to live...

my heart will always be yours...
be yours forever! in this vicious circle
that i went, i am sorry...
can u forgive me?

All the people i came across, said
you are in love..
i said, no.. how could i be?
they say ur tongue lies, your eyes can't

they saw it in my eyes
the sadness i had, the pain i had gone through
the insecurities i had,
and that i was lost in love...

everyone asked me
do you love me?
i just kept quiet...
they said don't betray yourself

for you are made of your love
that is you, i never understood then
they asked me are you in love?
what cud i reply? i saw you then

they answered, saying you are the best
and love your lover the best,
i told you every lie, but not
this one: I Love You

your picture in my vision
has become the God, the pedestal
i never thought anyone could
reach there, u did...

now, we are apart,
i feel lost, feel so incomplete
that as if my soul has been drenched in vain
we were so close, now, at the poles

now, i am melting this earth betwixt us,
and make the poles meet,
i am doing everything for you
i'll do anything, to be Together...

Frozen Heart

the head's reeling
wounds become numb
the day u slept
over my sheets

dont u remember the ..
times, alas!
time has lost meaning
you deleted them

deleted me
wish there was a backspace
a click, whoosh!
black fire of guilt

is all that i see
see! that's your tears
now flow over my frozen
frozen ...

crying of no use
over the only one
the one that was you
the one that wasn't u

crying over frozen
snow, it's now all
covered, the hills echo
they don't speak

hope you know
that the snow
of life has covered
over frozen heart.

I'll be strong enough .. ``Interlude .. "I Do"

i'll be strong enough
strong enough for now
not to tell you,
that you are still there...

strong enough to carry on
you with me, you inside
with you out of my life
since you stole the bed

the bed of roses, where
you and i were supposed to,
it's whiteness of snow-
is now all gone, like you.

is it really worth? Are you?
That's all i ask myself
to find myself totally lost
in answers, which are your lies

i'll be strong enough
to stand up and walk away
away from this, leaving you
behind wondering, and guilty

you still want me.. love me..
is love a betrayal?
your actions answered-
maybe, i'll live outside those...

--Interlude--

your love haunts me, care tortures
for it's sweetness was honeyed
that bites my throat
chokes my breath of life

i'll be strong enough
to leave all this
even if it is the end
kill those promises

Cried to the witches
burnt your magic
over this death
"I Do"

in our sacred union
I did
Breaking these bonds
of Life, of Pain..

I do..