Monday, December 30, 2013

Why it doesn't work

Met so many guys. From nook and corner of the world. literally. Why it doesn't work out? 

A question that runs in my mind. Always. Is it my fault? Or is it so hard to find a great guy to settle down with?

 My recent dates with an american and an indian who came over to visit me ended in a disaster. They both visited me for 4 - 5 days. And after day 2, could not wait for them to leave.

Right now, I am with someone as we talk. It feels stifling, to find out that that someone whom you thought was fun, turns out to be kiddish. 

what keeps me sane is the hope that I can learn something from these epic disasters. Some of them were my mistakes, and most of them was moving too fast to go ahead to think that these guys were dateable. 

'I've come to Cambridge to meet you.'

'I want to get picked up at the club tonight. Hope it's okay.'

'tdak. tdak. tdak.' Grindr continuously buzzes. He goes wearing my shoes, traveling on my t pass, wearing my cologne, to fuck around with someone who asks me to cuddle with him. 

Funny. The world is right round. Right, it is. 


Thursday, December 26, 2013

Do I wanna get back?


Losing virginity is one thing; losing heart is completely another. 

'I want to marry you', said someone to whom I fucked about 7 years back. When a guy grows into a man? Really.Not so quite. I had jut become more vulnerable.

I thought I did love her back then. I did. i think she loved me back too. She did. It was nearing the New Year when we first hooked up, and I had fallen head over heels for her.

Funny thing is that today, we dont email, we dont talk. We might have had c2c sometimes once in a while, but that is almost dead. The first and last piece of thread tying us was amazing sex; and somehow, that was because of it I didn't feel happy in my relationship in the first place - just sex, no emotional cuddling or even caring. Now, there's hardly ever sex(of course we are exes now!!), but sexual attraction has gone.

I never thought I would stop feeling attracted to my first ex. At first, after the breakup there was huge hatred, but that was a form of love. Over a period of 5 years, it washed away.Like a desert. Like nothing.

I tried so hard to convince my  heart that let me give one last try. It just doesn't seem right.

I guess she is not Ms. Right.

Mr./Ms. Right around corner in my life?


 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Weirdest


Living with someone is good, as long as you are in love with him. Or with a friend who has common sense.

I am in a situation - in a mess, which is neither. The only thing I can do is to just pray coz this thing has gotten out of hands. 

I really need to have my space. Ever since a child, I've had my own space. My own room, where I can shut the door, and retreat. Where I can feel not encroached by any other soul except those whom I let enter. 

It's not a question of that I dont want people to know about me, or even that I want to hide, or run away from the realities. I do like to face them head-on. The matter is that I just need to feel myself, and I cannot feel myself when there is someone else within 10 feet with whom you dont have a union of the two souls in marriage.

I have no idea. But I need to act fast. It's the weirdest thing I have to face.

Any ideas what can I do?