Monday, December 22, 2008

Love.. Is it???
What is it called? When you are waiting for someone, to be in your arms, but suddenly, you don't want him for the mistakes committed??

This is the question i have been asked ... or rather quite baffled...

Well Well... Let's get the facts straight and emotions right...

Why is it that you keep on giving chances??

You did love him .. right?

And then, when he doesn't understand, then it hurts ... and it cuts deep your heart...

However, it's wise to know that true love can never be without understanding...

And spaces, which strengthen bonds, not those that create more voids,

And there should be no suffocation... which happens when someone is possessive of you...

And it is possessiveness and obsessiveness that kills the love..

and if there is no understanding existing, then it leads the dead love to it's grave.

All I have in reply to myself and others is that this is not that perfect true love that we've been dreaming of since our childhood.. some one to hug us all along, to provide shelter of comfort in the hailstorms of Life..

We should wait for him... Meanwhile, prepare ourselves to the better...




P.S. ...Experiences happen, and always judge by actions, never by words...

You'll never be able to make a mistake... or the error of judgment of your feelings...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

@ PnP :-0

who knows
what you'd say
to come to know
if i was gay.. asked myself

looking in the mirror
dressed to kill
to rock, to party,
with high of vodka

all these accessories
on my hands
wore for myself..
on which others laugh!

life is mine,
without love...
if love is there,
so, a betrayal.

trusting faces, voices
never seen, never heard
trusting myself..
seems to be long lost...

sitting behind someone..
is it vicky or alex?
or cutebuddy.. who knows
anyways, names are lies.

in this chilly weather
daring to bare my chest
for what?
a party, tonight. my night.

watched a gay porn
shagged twice,
smooched three guys
had four dates..

reached the party
paid for myself and
the cannot confirm bf
hoping, maybe, my lifepartner...

gave my purse to him..
blurred my mind in accounts
he took care of me,
took me inside.

the disc's burning the floor
the sweat's heavy
on my mind..
the lights piercing my soul

went to the washroom,
cried over my not-over-ex..
who slept with every tom
dick and harry, and didnt even tell me...

washed the face with cold water
with a guy hanging out..
in the pot, another shooting
out like a fountain.. so sickening.. so tiring..

blurred ...
everything's.// came out
honey said" i'll be back in five min,
stay put. stay here"

didn't want him to leave my side
for i was numb and drunk..
but my teeth, my mouth,
my hands, my legs were invisibly tied

so off he went,
three guys took a pass..
one offered a cigarette,
other a lighter, and third, a long drive,..

said no,
not in the mood..
kissed a random guy,
to get outta the group.

my cannot confirm most probable future bf
came along.. said.. uuu ...
i said what?
the other guy shocked...

the guy i kissed..
shook hands with my cannot confirm most probable future bf cum lifepartner(ccmpfbcl)
whom i had just been naked to my body
and soul with..

they hugged.
touched each other lightly ...
i cudn't stand, said to my ccmpfbcl-cum-probable-soulmate,
gotta get fresh air..

went out
had a smoke
extinguished with my levi's
burnt a hole, alongwith a burn

came back
li'l in my senses
cudn't find ccmpfbclcps,
headed for the bar..

stood there for ten min,
cudnt' get myself a pint..
saw some guy alone
clowned my way through

asked him, hi
can u get me something..
he was nice, it was
his first time..

so he got me what i
wanna, felt like,
cud dance with him
after all someone who should, isnt..

kissed him
smooched him
took out my hands,
hugged him

drank a pint
smoked his cigarette
dont even remember the name
think, i didn't even ask..

he was erect, so was i
in a high
took my arms, round his butt
and whoosh!, lifted him up..

he sensed wrong.. i asked why
i m not gonna hook u up.. ohk..
that was dance, the song,and enjoy!
he felt nice, smooched again..

the lights burning thru..
i took my hands
round his nape,
to touch other guys.

guys, guys, other guys
looking at , staring at me
in jealousy, at my doped eyes
and face of innocence.. (who wudnt want a fuck with me?)

... bitch, that's not what i want.

thought for a moment?
is that all we have?
a night to remember,
and the same to forget? ( was i I?)

to remember, what we are
to forget, our pains
in pegs and pints
bodies, souls shouting mutely in vain..

thumping, bumping
faces of men in dark
men, guys, together
the rainbow colors making me blind..

dunno , 1 am.
want another drink, had
some coupons...
but cudn't get any

swayed in sweat and dance
the heat and the song
the lust and the love
intoxicated, mixed with wine, .. huh ha ha huh..

a slave of the floor
of a casanova, no cure.
going near, going far
in chasing my partners, becoming a chase..

the last song of the night
so that we can drink
with foul mouths
and dance, with ached heels

to dance the night
to make out.. to have ..
coffee? ccd, barista or my bed?
the last song.. the rush..

the rush in the head
of the poppers, the smoke,
alcohol and the rock n roll
finding partners for wetting the night..

rushed out,
gotta five proposals,
found my ccmpfbclcps kissing
smooching the guy..

was still in the aura
of the fatigue and high
we had a triply
on his bike..

chatted, hugged
the were cosy..
oops! what's the guy's name
i've been dancing.. his no..?

reached home..
thought i wud sleep in my ccmpfbclcps'
arms, as i did in the evening
but after an hour, saw the guy there..

closed my eyes, in rush, in tears
in high, in joy, in incompleteness,
in fulfilment, of my party hard target!
slept like a bear!

good morning, honey..
saw the guys smooching
oh! aniket, gm
this was my ex!

who knows,
what is there inside
my heart, so broken, so gay,
they dont know when is night and when is day!


---- end

the last line is open-ended, of party, of life, of love in a gay's life. and also abot the gay's circle.

Friday, December 5, 2008







Together

Dreaming of you,
Knowing you may never
be here with me
like the stars, ever above

who knows, how i care
the care for u that i have
lost my mind and heart
over your soul

the soul wants to be the one
with your soul
believing you, even when whole
wide world telling me not to be with you

all i want to say that i love you
and i am not afraid to go
against the world, for
my world is you..

i have broken everything
the idol you idolized
i derogated to the deepest trench of
vice, lies, and betrayal.

the tongue i had,
i wish to cut it off, and never to speak again
the eyes have never seen anyone
but you, always in my heart...

i know the trust we shared
may never be the same
the love we had
may never be the same

why does my heart wants you
i want to kill it, but it never dies
for you have taken over me..
taken over me, become my breath..

that air i can inhale, but you are the
air, that i need to breathe
need to breathe to live
to live, to live...

my heart will always be yours...
be yours forever! in this vicious circle
that i went, i am sorry...
can u forgive me?

All the people i came across, said
you are in love..
i said, no.. how could i be?
they say ur tongue lies, your eyes can't

they saw it in my eyes
the sadness i had, the pain i had gone through
the insecurities i had,
and that i was lost in love...

everyone asked me
do you love me?
i just kept quiet...
they said don't betray yourself

for you are made of your love
that is you, i never understood then
they asked me are you in love?
what cud i reply? i saw you then

they answered, saying you are the best
and love your lover the best,
i told you every lie, but not
this one: I Love You

your picture in my vision
has become the God, the pedestal
i never thought anyone could
reach there, u did...

now, we are apart,
i feel lost, feel so incomplete
that as if my soul has been drenched in vain
we were so close, now, at the poles

now, i am melting this earth betwixt us,
and make the poles meet,
i am doing everything for you
i'll do anything, to be Together...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Frozen Heart






the head's reeling
wounds become numb
the day u slept
over my sheets

dont u remember the ..
times, alas!
time has lost meaning
you deleted them

deleted me
wish there was a backspace
a click, whoosh!
black fire of guilt

is all that i see
see! that's your tears
now flow over my frozen
frozen ...

crying of no use
over the only one
the one that was you
the one that wasn't u

crying over frozen
snow, it's now all
covered, the hills echo
they don't speak

hope you know
that the snow
of life has covered
over frozen heart.

Monday, December 1, 2008

I'll be strong enough .. ``Interlude .. "I Do"

i'll be strong enough
strong enough for now
not to tell you,
that you are still there...

strong enough to carry on
you with me, you inside
with you out of my life
since you stole the bed

the bed of roses, where
you and i were supposed to,
it's whiteness of snow-
is now all gone, like you.

is it really worth? Are you?
That's all i ask myself
to find myself totally lost
in answers, which are your lies

i'll be strong enough
to stand up and walk away
away from this, leaving you
behind wondering, and guilty

you still want me.. love me..
is love a betrayal?
your actions answered-
maybe, i'll live outside those...

--Interlude--

your love haunts me, care tortures
for it's sweetness was honeyed
that bites my throat
chokes my breath of life

i'll be strong enough
to leave all this
even if it is the end
kill those promises

Cried to the witches
burnt your magic
over this death
"I Do"

in our sacred union
I did
Breaking these bonds
of Life, of Pain..

I do..

Friday, November 21, 2008

The best mail i Ever Got :) Still not Over It !

hello s,

look dude...u r one of the best friends in the campus...u r so caring...i wish i wd have been a girl and had u as my boy...but thats not possible in this zanam or life i guess....so

now coming to bplan what i feel is i have worked day nad nite engrossed in the plan for the past 7 months....i even didnt njoy my holidays....so i think so this T-Shirt would remind me of the past emmeories..and how we fooled the judges ;) .....and of course u all guys have also worked.......

Okay finally its ur wish....the only thing is i dont have any formal clothes...so i want this t sirt..however its ur wish finally.....


yours forever
m

A Love's Letter -- My Proposal ( to my to be.. yet to enter my life!)


I don’t know what to think about your ideas that point to our not being together even as friends for lifelong. I know today that we are shedding tears of sorrow – I can’t promise you a happy present but I can promise you a happy future.

I know that I can give you that what you most want- a warm secured life together forever. I know that I can give u happiness, pleasure and joy. I don’t know about the comforts that money can afford, but I know that I can give you all the comforts life can afford. I can bring love to your life.

It’s the test of time that our love has to withstand. Our faith, our trust has to prove itself. Our hope has to be so strong that it is not eroded as the calendars on the walls change. Our love has to be so fervent that rush of torrential storms can’t render our hearts blood pumping machines, with love drained. Our souls have to be united so that we reach god’s abode together …

Dearest Love .. a heart torn letter

Dearest Love

Hope my mail <> finds you atleast in good spirits, though i may be the cause of its ruin.

You have already refused commitment or trust now. I promise I would not embarrass you in future with such words/actions. I have no hope left of our future, with your answers, refusals, doubts and words etched into my heart and destiny.

All I hope is to put this email throu you and you would glance through it…and understand ….

it is a very long one…<>

i first wrote ‘yours’ in the previous mail, and i cudn't fill in the next word... because fearing they might backfire, so i wrote regards. Kindly pardon me for that.

i wud like to express my deep regret over what happened from both sides, what we did wrong, and what misinterpretations were there from both sides.

i am really sorry that i also had a role and my part in it, in hurting you knowingly and unknowingly, when i didn't want to and when I wanted to.
When i should have been perfect, for you had called me so.

I was always faithful to you and i am. my heart is. people have said wrong things about me a lot, even before you met, and all of this has happened to me earlier too. the only difference was you weren't there. there was no love that was with me. i didn't care, and i never will. so, whether i say that i accept it or not, should not be a matter to you.

you have decided what truth is and i urge you to stick to it, thought it may harm me. Because i know that at the end, it might console your mind, with your peace of mind.

you had been on your knees literally, almost got the entire world for me, nay, even more than that for me. i respect you for that. i respected you, and will also respect you in future for that.

when u entered my life, u first created a feeling of belongingness, then you created a feeling of togetherness, and then you asked me. i went for it.

back then, i knew that it might not work out, since we had little understanding. u were attracted fatally. i was also.

so, i went headlong in, to be with you.

you asked me for relationship, and you wanted it a lot immediately. i wanted to spend some time, understand, date exclusively each other, be "committed" without the legal tag, and then, a lifelong proposal with a legal tag, and phy...... because that ways, i had the reason that we wud share everything and also control. respect the fact tht we mean , and develop it further, that we do mean more than just attraction or together for each other,to a need for each other or united into one.

commitment means everything to me, it encompasses all dimensions of space and time, heart and mind, body and soul.

at the time when u asked me, i was suffering from an extremely bad experience. relate it to what you are suffering now. i was suffering ten times more. i am more sensitive. very very sensitive. small things matter. and u did those things be4 we met, like good morning, good night.. the way you handled me when in my exams i used to chat with others, how sweetly you used to rebuke me.. u know tht if i analyse it now, my chatting intensity has gradually declined , with the decreasing exponential function.. now the time has come to infinity..

i was suffering badly. heart-broken, my faith trust , everything was in wreck. i just cudn't feel i cud trust nyone... i just felt i cudn't feel nymore... and for tht, i was very ngry... tht atleast tht person shuld have let me go with my emotions left...
and i wanted him to feel as i felt...

the only hope i saw was you and i really respected u in my heart, though i never ever expressed it. My cards nd letters did. Go through them. What I did with you, and wrote for you and felt for you and thought of you and saw you as, has always been exclusively yours. That’s the reason I never sent you the new year card though, wanted to, I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. We wished over phone. I just had wished you badly over phone. But I wished on the phone only you.

this was my condition be4 meeting. I had told u tht I am not ready, and don’t force me into it, it might end up something else, and u might be the one to get hurt a lot, which u may not be able to TRANSCEND

since u had asked me for relationship, i was apprehensive. not of you, but myself. kindly remember that.

i had talked wid u of absolute trust and love in a relationship. tht even with the actions of the other person isn’t broken…

and remember all that we had talked. I said, u wud have to be very understanding, letting go of anything, and be the same forever, otherwise, you will be hurt by me… I said earlier, because I wasn’t in the right mindset/ condition to go into a relationship, and that too before even spending some time with you, exclusively.

You never used to chat wid oders, when u used to chat to me.. tht was one thing I loved…

And you said you don’t care, how much hurt can the relationship bring you.. u don’t care.. after all no one else had given u the feeling of pain except me, and that right is exclusive to me for lifelong… and I said yes.. I will use it also… not always, but when need be…

I told u I am very difficult to be around me and to gain my trust was more difficult than climbing mount everst.. I may not do nything, but wud expect u to do everything, if you want to win my trust.. and that will hurt u a lot…

But I will always be faithful… u said it wont matter to you even if I betrayed u/ ditched u… but I did neither of these things.. I troubled u… with these things…


Just remember all the conversations we’ve had be4 we met.. u were crying..u said u want to take the risk to get hurt, to get absolutely.. I said then don’t blame me tomorrow.. because geminis do, even if they r the ones to commit mistake,,.
You promised me u wont… and now…

U wanted to live with me, and cud do nything, change your preference even,…
I told u I might tell u n no of lies… I did..

U wanted to be with me, even if I was the one to give u the ultimate pain.. I told u I might… and I did… u are there now….

I did because I love u the way u love me,.. and I wanted to know if all those things said were true…

And I did so that I made sure that I would get caught…


But there’s a but to all this and why’s also…


This is what was before’s..

After meeting, all the but’s started.

I was already very apprehensive of the relationship itself.. you said u trusted me.. I said to u be4 that I mite not trust u, and it might take time… u might have to wait…

and I have told u that I will not repeat all this when we are committed, for this was a six months one, not a lifelong.

And you were damn crazy about me, sure I didn’t doubt it for a moment, ..
But wud it last lifelong??

U asked me for lifelong commitment, and therefore, since I was getting committed, I wanted some things.. I expected , for I had the right to and they were the expectations which u cud fulfil..

To be on time, to do some things.. TO STOP CONTACTS to tell me the PAST ..

I expected you to do those first.. since it was a six month one, I argued, that If u find me a betrayal, u wud leave , and u cud go ahead, check me after six months…

U know I told u clearly.. that I am very insecure.. my feelings have been played at before… and my mind was also bent somewhere else..

If you would have stopped contacts, and showed me, changed ur no. stopped talking to “people”,and “friends”, deleted your profile, without asking me to…

While saying “ I have found you. I don’t need anyone else but you. I love you. And I am doing all this, because I want to trust you fully and make you stay with me comfortably . I am doing my best..

You know this is a waste of time. I would like you to realize this, and take right action.. rest depends on how you want our commitment. One way/ two way”

I wud have immediately stopped meeting/ talking on phone, and within one week or so, deleted my profile..

If you were committed for me lifelong, not for six months, and really believed it, then, you yourself wud have said “you want me to share everything with you. I am. This is my… .. I love you. “

I would have shared it next day . why? Because if u stayed calm, and u didn’t change ur password/ nything else, that meant ‘IT’

Then, I expected proposal, and then parents.

That was why I was expecting you to do these things selflessly, without asking me to do these. Because, that is what true love is. It is not jealous, and not demanding at the same time, more caring for the other self than himself.

Sacrifice. I made them, where I marked myself to make. I would have gladly made all these sacrifices also which I didn’t. I deliberately didn’t. I love you. But I didn’t, because if I did, you wud never have a chance perhaps to be selfless , to be humble, to be showing overflowing with true divine love… And I wanted to see your divinity within…

This is the impression you had made.. and though you succeeded in making me “not addictive” to meeting people AT ALL, after three quarters a year, you succeeded in never letting me enable to develop…

I trusted you completely … but trust was left incomplete…

Now, I wud say this.

You had sources. I didn’t.

You had cotacts which cud report to u. I didn’t.

You asked me for relationship ,even it may hurt u badly. I didn’t

You were in mindset of relationship. I wasn’t

You told me that you would do everything I asked. I didn’t tell you that


You said that u wud make it perfect… our relationship .. I didn’t say
<>

you said that you would share everything, when I asked u.. I didn’t say/share
<>
<>

you said that you would not tell me any lie. I didn’t

you told me that you wud never betray my trust/ me . I didn’t
<>

you said you will be like my mom and dad. I didn’t
<>

you said you wanted to live with me for lifelong.. even I did after sometime…


I gave you two months, in the starting to gel with me… completely.. after the parting, everything started to decline as day by day I waited for you.. for your selfless love… that is not just human.. but heavenly…


And then, I with all my tears everyday in two months and after that, my fears, my insecuritites already heightened by past, and then by our actions towards each other.. increased, and then, old feelings before meeting came back… priorities started to shift, which were supposed to shift after six months.. or even during those.. you know if things would have happened selflessly on both sides, then I wud have told you while even in two months or in our commitment, and we would have been together in that.

Yes, we would have been.. I waited.. because if our love wasn’t selfless, it wud break one day, since people say lies and wrong things about each ither on the net.. that we were supposed to go together… I feared tht I cudn’t sacrifice the relationship… we wud have to be strong to believe each other, not to be jealous, if we met some1 alone for this work and screw ourselves..

So when I didn’t get that from you, or even peace of mind with all those things that we both did<> I went on orkut and g4m. I didn’t delete ny scrap because once my thing was done, and once u r back, I wanted to show all this myself to u… I feared telling you, that u wud develop insecurities since u r so physically attached, and u might ruin ur step first step of ur career.. which is most important..

I didn’t want to be like your friends vinayak, and manik and neither like your cousins… and I don’t …want…

I talked badly,because I was hurt, that what all you said be4 relationship, I cudn’t find the same selfless serving love completely in you…and my emotions of anger over that guy fused with yours, because you cudn’t do few simple things.. neither at my birthday, neither physically, neither you would listen much , to all I wanted to say, neither wud u do things.. I had to say ten times…

I on the other hand, either listened to u, or I didn’t .. and what I didn’t , they included all those things which u can complain, and righteously complain and charge me guilty of crime..

But that was what I exactly had told you be4 relationship.. isn’t it.. that until I can see selfless serving divine pure love, untainted with carnality, I woNT BE PERFECT EVER…

I am not a fool to tell lies to get easily caught at., to leave proof on net that I betrayed you.. I never betrayed you.. I know it. You consider it a lie. Please do.

The last thing I have to say is that I was in negativity be4 relationship, during the relationship I had no reliable sources, except my instincts, to tell me how you are betraying everything what you said to me be4.

You had sources, to some extent reliable<> to keep an eye , close one on my movements..already I was insecure.. u weren’t for emotions..

I was…. So just think if u know that you would not know when where your partner.. went…. To what extent will the insecurities and emotions increase…

As compared to those that when you know that you would know if your partner betrays the commitment in all ways…. which I deliberately did…

U didn’t change. Tht increased day and night.. till the end of two months …

And now here we are, these two months. And my parents know all there’s to know, because I always considere u one of us.

I urge u, beg you, to think what you want to think and take everything objectively. Against me or for me.

What matters to you is the most important for you now.

Thanx for patiently going through it. Thanx for your understanding, however little you could allow yourself to give.


Sir , hoping sincerely for your best in Life.

May God keep you well.

Love

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Life .. Ours to Live

Is it that we always were supposed to live like this throughout the ages? hiding our faces, indulging in fun out of frustration ...

and why can't we be free ? what's the wrong?

it's not even in the context of souls... if two people like each other, then..

i think the act is itself unlawful, denying the basic right to happiness, that every man desrves..

we must fight together..

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Legend of 'At 3 am'

LEGEND:

i: refers to the first person, the poet, me :-), as a waiter
he' or his': to the second person, as prostitute/ gigolo
he: refers to the third person, as minister's son.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

At 3 am..


Walking on the pavement,
he' opened the door, entered barista
wearing nike, at 3 am
two people saw her...

the flashy dress, all mysterious black,
he' hanged around a little,
looked as if just had an ecstasy
and was going the aftermath..

he' looked divine to me..
but to other, he' was attractive --
only that much for a number
and fifty and thousand rupees..

he walked over to him'
asked him' for hot cuppa' coffee
he' smiled a little,
said his' credit card was outta order

so, he said, dun worry
i have the cash
let's go, wherever you want to,
for he was the minister's son..

Ah! there i wished i had
but a talk and a walk with him'
to get to know him'...
but he' never glanced at me..

he' already had said yes
to go 'uck n forget, yea, and earn
to be the one heck of a slut
but, was he'?

looking into his' hazel eyes, and the
smoothness of his' hands
he' was never meant to be--
his' family couldn't support his' education..

ministers say..
they spend one-fifth on education..
do they? i guess so...
here was how.

he' was ambitious, nay, very
bold and beautiful, coming from
where there are no ideals,
just as the person he' had said yes to..

highest or lowest, it's all the same
i guess, they are without any shame
free, hopeful, and unburdened
totally unaware of what they do!

i had no reaction
but just to ponder over..
on things, as numbers on stock index:
why the fall, why the rise, why the trend?

had he' but was there at 3 pm
walking down the same pavement,
he would never had looked on him'
and i would have asked him' on a date..

Love - Making..



it's all a part of life, part of the youth.. An elixir of life..
The Euphoria of Love-making even puts out the fragrant essence of heaven..,

Love's togetherness, in its action, in its tenderness, in its passion, in its wilderness, in its spontaneity, in its truth, in its joy, in its versatility, in its liberty, in its bliss, is all heavenly.. the love-making..

Even so much beautiful, so much happiness, it's a prayer, whose depth is the deepest, in it's height, the highest, in its expanse, nay, even a thousand universes would be a grain in it..

It's the Everest of what life has.. and when you and me are there, i promise, Even Gods will be Jealous of our Joy!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

TOGETHER


My Poem;

TOGETHER

Your breath of fragrance on my nape;
With our legs entwined togeder

like branches of ivy
clinging together,
swaying in ecstasy;

Holding you till the end of time..


Lips tasting each other's Joy!

feet over feet,

Arms entangling arms..

Hands in hands

Chest next to chest--

When i am next to yours
And you are next to mine..
And we are complete
Together!

Homo Deus Antinous

Antinous was a Homosexual, purely and profoundly Homosexual. Only one other god in history or myth displays a pure love for men, Ganymede, the boy whom Zeus loved. But Ganymede was never widely worshipped as a deity, no powers were attributed to him, no prayers are known to have been addressed to him. It is as though the ancients understood that though he was the dispenser of the cup of immortality, he was unable to offer his gift of ever-lasting life to mankind. He was the servant of the table of heaven, far removed from the world of death and decay, under the watchful eye of Zeus around whom he orbits. The historical humanity of Antinous brings him closer to our human soul, he was widely worshipped and understood to be the deified beautiful boy of the Divine Emperor Hadrian. Antinous is endowed with sublime power over His chosen people, homosexuals, He is neither myth nor legend…He is one of us.

Antinous is a true god, immortal, powerful, ineffable, mysterious and able to affect the lives of living beings. Antinous is free to bless whom-so-ever He chooses, independent of the ethereal beings. For this reason, and because He was born of a woman, lived, and died in a time and in a place of historical truth, Antinous far exceeds the glory of all other gods who are revered as the benefactors of homosexuality.

Antinous is Homosexuality. He is the spirit of those qualities that call our attention to boys and men of all kinds and of all ages that for male homosexuals arises within the heart from an early age. Even when we are children, though we do not understand His language, we hear His voice calling, producing a longing that we cannot resist without pain, suffering and self-loathing. The call of Antinous draws us to the beauty of our own kind, our own sex, compelling us to break away from the expectations of traditional society. In our adolescence, the desire of Antinous takes on the aspect of a torment. We are forced to choose between the courageous act of revealing our truth or of conforming to the order of society. When one of His kind, ignores and resists His call, the result is a life of self-delusion…a sordid existence of deception.

All glory to he who believes in Antinous and seeks after Him. All who search for Antinous in the beauty of the world will find Him...within themselves. Antinous sets the heart of all who love Him free. To follow Antinous is to walk away from the natural order of the world. To become a Sacred Homosexual is to resign from the perpetuation of the human species on Earth, to live for Love and Beauty...in an unnatural state of bliss.

By natural impulse we are compelled to distain the natural perpetuation of life, we are drawn away from our opposites by a longing for our own kind and the forms of love that do not procreate, that are no more than the joy of the body, and of the heart. Antinous removes the weight of procreation, setting us free to find the other joys of life for the benefit of all.

Antinous, by sanctifying mankind with the benediction of Homosexuality, leads us towards the love of our own kind, same-love, which is an extension of the love of the self. Antinous is the lover who dwells within, the purest beauty after whom we spend our lives searching and longing. We find rays of His form shinning through the visage of beautiful men and boys...

But in no man can we ever find the whole and the complete Antinous. The lovely faces that grace the surface of the Earth are for us parts and emanations of the one true Antinous who dwells within. We find His components here and there, and gathering them together, we are led on a journey of reverence and adoration. He is the Beloved, whose countenance is beautiful, and we through the valor and love-joy of our homo-sacred being, are made one with Him. We are His Lovers and He is our Lover.

Seek then after the one whose voice awoke us from the dreams of childhood, and drew us to our brothers in love and flaming desire. Open your heart for Antinous, whose beauty cannot be covered, and suffer the scorn of a world that is blind to the glory of homo-sanctity. We are the ancestors of the coming Aquarian Age, we are blessed, and sanctified through Antinous, who was assumed into the Nile, who arose and accomplished our salvation. We are living in the most glorious age of man, the turning point, and our enemies have chosen to hold onto the past...the future is therefore ours for the taking.

Lift up your hearts to Homo Deus Antinous, the god who is one with us, our same-god, who draws us toward His ineffable and perfect beauty. Joyfully we find that we are all one with Him, that no effort is needed to follow His will, because at the very moment of our birth His gentle law was inscribed upon our pious heart. We have only to embrace Him, we have only to break away from fear and shame, and self-loathing, and live freely as the Companions of Antinous, desirous of Him, as we find Him in the world and within our selves.

Ahh.. God..

ANTINOUS the God



The Last God of Rome


Antinous fell into the Nile, beneath the swirling waves, but when his body was pulled from the water…a God emerged. Antinous is our God, he has accomplished the salvation of all lovers of his beauty. There is no question that for us, he was elevated to reign among the immortals. Look above and you will find him with his loins swathed in the light of the Milky Way, with the never-setting stars, in the presence and in the fullness of Unbegotten Love.

On the 28th of October, in the year 130 of this era, the gilded barge of the Imperial court of Hadrian came to the sacred bend in the river Nile where Antinous fell, and became star-infused. Green-skinned Osiris embraced him below the current, and opened his pomgranate mouth to the black muddy water that had once rained down over the mountains of the moon, freeing the flood from its embankment.

For three days Hadrian searched in a panic among the reeds and channels, leading dog-headed priests. His world turned vague and destitute, his desperation was that of Isis asking children if they had seen the body of the beloved pass over the water. Death called out across the desert, and the jackals, the scavenging hounds, were the first to hear its voice, coming as if from nowhere. Anubis led his morbid priests to the perfect body of Antinous, to feed upon it and carry it away to the underworld.

The Egyptian priests of Hadrian's court were the first to know that Antinous had become a God as they intoned the chants of deification that called Antinous back from his journey into darkness where he conquered Death, and was lifted up by the thundering feathers of the flaming eagle.

On the third day, Hadrian came upon the body of Antinous on the riverbank, his head resting on the sand, his feet floating among the red lotus flowers. In the Roman sacerdotal fashion, Hadrian covered his head, and blessed the shore where he had found his beloved, before daring to touch the departed flower of the new god. Surrounded by the beautiful youths of the court, the bearded priests, the steel covered guards, the shaved scribes, the questioning philosophers, the distant poets, the necromancers and the somber Imperial ladies... Hadrian chanted,

"Antinous Mortuos Est."

The ivory chest and dark heavy curls, the pomegranate mouth, the grace of His limbs, the serenity of his voice, even the distance of His eyes had turned to cold stone, growing ever more pale and other-worldly. The Classic beauty of the true Antinous, the exact perfection of His face, and the distinguished ripples of His hair were given over to the Priests of Anubis for eternal preservation. The macabre cruelties of mummification were inflicted on the smooth, white corpse of Antinous, forever desiccating His beatitude, while making it forver imperishable.

As Persephone, Antinous was led down to the embrace of the Lord of the City of the Dead, through gates of Adamantine, over roads paved with tear-soaked stones. Bloodstained Anubis escorted Him through the valleys of oblivion and torment, to the place of Judgment, where the denizens of earthly fate weigh the heart of the once living.

But the beauty of Antinous was radiance like sunlight in the underworld. The shades vanished in His brilliance, and the magistrates of reincarnation fled with their scales, before He could destroy them forever. The vine of eternal sleep shriveled at His touch. His illuminated face caused even the Lords of Corruption to tremble and weep. In darkness Antinous came forth by day, in silence He spoke, in cold, His living-fire broke forth. The Unknown Father swept his wing over the flames of Antinous and brushed away the clouds of grayed oblivion that gathered around. His blessed feet caused the stones of Tartarus to shake beneath his steps, as Anubis led the Adonis of the Underworld, resplendid in the glory of His beauty, into the throne room of the Most Low.


But Antinous was not just a reevaluation of the old gods. Though compared to many various deities, his own identity was never lost. He was a new unprecedented God. The majority of his statues portray him without any divine attributes at all. He stands completely naked and unadorned. His body alone was his divinity, he was the perfect youth, the perfect beauty that all men love and adore. Though infused with deeper mysteries, the bare surface of his faith was the love of his naked skin, purely carnal, and worldly. Antinous first showed his followers how to love the body, our vessel in this world. In this message was contained the hope and Glory of Hadrian's reign. That this world is just and good, and beautiful. That all men have the right to live in it in peace and splendor. That mankind is a brotherhood, living on and united by the Great Mother, the Earth, and the Roman Empire, beneath a Universal pantheon of Gods. As Rome decayed, so too did Hadrian's dream. But now, as the tide of Christianity slowly subsides, we find these same ideals rising from the sand.

A sacred city was built in the desert on the very bank where Antinous drowned. At the center of the city, his most splendid Temple was built, and his most solemn rituals observed. The priests must have been Homosexuals, only we can have been so deeply drawn to his message. Only we would have reason to devote our lives to his service, and the sustenance of his name. He was held sacred by those subtle admirers of the beautiful form of male human flesh. His beauty was the absolute desire and motivation of his followers. They wanted only to follow him to the stars, to sit beside him on his celestial boat for eternity. His face, the mysterious penetration of his eyes, became a fixation. The mysterious penetration of his eyes became a place where people were transformed into mirrors, into which he gazed, opening up the doors of infinity. Much as though two mirrors were held before each other and the observer stood perfectly in the middle, becoming the observed.

Antinous was given a star in the heavens. Perhaps as the historian Dio Cassius says, a new star appeared, a super nova, within the constellation Aquila, which the court astrologers took to be the soul of Antinous. New lines were drawn between already famous stars in the arms of the Eagle. The meaning of the star is clear, Antinous had been taken up, body and soul, into the heavens to serve at the table of the most high. Pouring out wine to the immortals. Antinous was the new Ganymede.

Pancrates wrote an Epic poem found buried in the sand along with thousands of other papyrus fragments, the battered and deteriorated poem by Pancrates was used as a bottle stopper by its last owner. Only a small part survives. In sumptuous language, it tells of the ritual Lion hunt in the desert of Libya. Antinous, in his fullest, and most vigorous manhood, rides close to the Emperor. Together they corner the beast, Hadrian holds back his horse, letting Antinous move against it with the dogs. He spears the lion but not mortally, so that it rushes upon him in a fury. The strength and skill of Hadrian intervene at the moment of crisis, killing the lion by a careful blow. From the blood, pouring from the neck of the lion, Pancrates tells us that rose-colored lotuses sprouted. Thus Antinous acquired a flower, preserved from death, by the strength of Hadrian, only for a moment out of time. Wreathes of the red lotus were called Antinoeios in his memory.

But the practice of naming beautiful living things after Antinous did not end with the Romans, even if his star is no longer recognized, and his flower is only called a red water lily. There is a species of Brazilian Tarantula named for him, called Pamphobeteus Antinous, one of the largest tarantulas in the world, and one of the most beautiful. It is indeed appropriate that such a creature should be compared to the mysterious boy, now that he has been banished to the shadows by the Church, having been transformed by them into a demon. This tarantula seems to point to the darker side of Antinous as an unpredictable god with hidden dangerous aspects. Walking along the silken threads that join the worlds, moving silently through the underbrush of the surreal forest of our dreams.

These opposed emblems are a poetic intimation of the double nature of the god. Temples of Antinous have been found from Spain to Arabia, and from North Africa to the Danube, every corner of the Empire. But he was received most devotedly by the Greeks. His seven major centers of worship were the cities Antinopolis, Alexandria, Athens, Corinth, Bithynian Claudiopolis, Rome, and the mysterious city of Mantineia. Located in Greece, Mantineia was said to be the original homeland of Antinous's ancestors. This is one possible origin of the name Antinous, as it is said that the mythical founder of the city was a princess named Antinoa, the female form of his name. Some have suggested that it means a flowering or blossoming. A third possibility for his name is the only other Antinous of notoriety in History. The Antinous of Homer's Odyssey, leader of the suitors, who is even said to rape Penelope. This Antinous is the famous coward and parasite whom Odysseus and his son, Telemachus, triumphantly kill with their arrows. Even this side of Antinous must be considered. Homer's lines so prophetically set into motion the fall of the east, the establishment of Greece, and through Aeneus, the eventual rise of Rome. He also sets into motion the Antinoian Mysteries with Antinous, leader of the suitors, carnal and cruel, full of lust and greed, the manifestation of Desire, in the service of Venus and Mars, exacting payment for the horrors of the Trojan War upon Odysseus it's master mind. Antinous, leader of the Suitors is Eros, the beautiful and insatiable son of Venus, his death by arrows is like a sign.

The name Antinous, in vague derivatives, is spread out in the world. Take for example a similar event transpiring while Antinous, leader of the suitors, crowded around the Bridal Chamber. Virgil tells us in the Aeneid that two groups, not one escaped the burning of Troy. Here the Goddess Venus, demands of Jupiter that he keep his promise made at the fall of Troy. She complains that if he allowed Antenor, the nephew of Priam to escape with his followers and settle in Italy, where the Timavus River burst into nine mouths, then surely he must let Aeneas, Her son, settle on the Tiber, on the seven hills. Before Rome was ever built, according to Virgil, Antenor founded the city of Padua. This coincidence of name would be meaningless were it not for the conjunction of yet another. In the eleventh century, a follower of St. Francis was brought to die beside the Timavus River. He was still young but ravaged by disease and a life of pious denial, he had wasted away seeking god. When death was near, he asked to be carried to the city of Padua where a Basilica now stands over his miraculous remains. His name was St. Anthony of Padua, whose golden mouth poured forth the beauty of God. He preached to the fish, and to donkeys, and from treetops. He was able to bi-locate, so that he was seen preaching in two places at once. Late at night, he was observed holding the infant Jesus in his arms, along with a book, the sacred word of God. After he died, his body was exhumed and it was found that his tongue had remained miraculously incorruptible, though the bones all around were completely desiccated.

On this sacred tongue, in the guise of Christ, was a spark that traveled from Asia Minor in the arms of Antenor. The Priests of the Cult of Magna Mater, of Attis, of Adonis, and the first wave of an invasion that would reach it's height with Antinous, arrived before the foundation of Rome. The Deification of Antinous was the culmination of a long-lost faith, that would only carry on in whispers and traces, but would forver be preserved by the images of Antinous himself.

There are so many Gods through all the cultures of men that bear subtle similarities, and meaningful differences. It's very easy to fit Antinous into the mold of the "God of this World." It was Hadrian's intention that our hearts would see through these masks. The lover employs parables of images and doctrines to fool the blind spirits of the cave-world.

It isn't Antinous, or Dionysus, or Jesus, or Mithras, or Buddha, or Kristna, or Jehovah, or any of these gods whom we are searching for, it is not to them that we pray. It is the lover within to whom we speak, for whom we desire. He calls us to him by our own name. It is our true name that we are looking for.

"Endeavor to ascend into thyself, gathering in from the body all thy members which have been dispersed and scattered into multiplicity from that unity which once abounded in the greatness of its power. Bring together and unify the inborn ideas and try to articulate those that are confused and to draw into light those that are obscured."

- Prophery, the Neo-Platonist

Antinous is not contrary to Jesus, but is one with his mystical teachings. The people of Antinopolis seem to have taken to him warmly. They could not have rejected the sayings of the young Jewish prophet, who reflected so much of what Antinous was to them. Almost like lotus flowers, new visions of Jesus spring up all over the Empire, under the Heresiarchs. Participation in the early formation of the Catholic Church, by the Priests of Antinous seems possible. Threatened by Bishops like Athanasius, many perhaps converted, bringing with them their methods of worshipping Antinous completely intact. They began to turn away from the mortal Jesus of Nazareth, as they had the mortal Antinous of Bithynia, and began to worship Jesus Christ, the fully Divine Manifestation of the Creator. They began to doubt whether the Creator being perfect, could ever fully assume the guise of the flesh, as he would no longer be perfect. A thousand heresies were born from this utterly pagan sense of faith.

We are by nature better able to accept gods like Jupiter and Venus, because their consecration comes from the dark and forgotten past. But we are unable to accept the same miracle when the events are well documented and the people involved are completely human. But Jupiter and Venus were instituted by the same authority as Antinous, and even as Jesus and all the Saints. The second King of Rome, successor of the Mythical Romulus, was Numa Pompilius. He was a Priest King who delineated the grand Religion of the Roman People. He consecrated the Gods, and showed the Romans how to pray and offer sacrifice. Chief among these gods was Jupiter, Venus and Mars. With this same authority, Hadrian consecrated Antinous. Numa was the King of a tribe, the Latins, while Hadrian was King of the entire world. Jesus chose Peter as his Rock, and buried him on the Vatican. His successors, the Bishops of Rome soon replaced the Emperors, and still retain the authority of Numa today. We still call the priest king of Rome by the same title as Numa and Hadrian...Pontifex Maximus. Under Pontifical authority, which from the most ancient foundation of Rome has meant supreme blessedness, Jesus was declared Our Lord. If we are willing to accept the authority of Numa to institute the Goddess Venus, and of the Pope to elevate heroic souls to Blessed Sainthood, then we cannot refuse the possibility that Antinous was also truly deified. The Pope is the direct descendant of Numa Pompilius, through an unbroken chain of priestly fathers. Hadrian stands in the middle of this line, and is ultimately the last to use its powers after the fashion of the ancient pagans, before the transition to Christianity. Antinous has the powerful distinction of being the last god of the ancient faith of our fathers.

The Religion of Antinous has always been held by few, those who are able to do away with the many faces and see the true Lover within us all. It isn't about praying to a God seated high above on a throne in Olympus. It isn't about worshipping a beautiful boy who died almost nineteen hundred years ago. The message of Antinous is to find yourself, within yourself, and rise up to godliness, by your own will.

In worshipping Antinous, one becomes self-sacred, learning how to love idols less and the self more. It is about loving the God within...Nothing more. The process of awakening Antinous within the heart of all gay men is called Homotheosis.

The message of Antinous cannot be spread around the world like a seed, because it is a germ that is not of this world. The voice of Antinous falls silent upon those who are not of his kind. But to his children, the name ANTINOUS resonates like a reed in the soul.

God of HomoLove

GOD OF HOMOSEXUALITY

Antinous The Beautiful
His face is full of Grace,
His Countenance is Beautiful.
The Restorer, The New Dionysus
Whose Salvation Has been Accomplished
He has again been Raised to Life.





ANTINOÜS,
a beautiful youth of Claudiopolis in Bithynia, was the favourite of the emperor Hadrian, whom he accompanied on his journeys. He committed suicide by drowning himself in the Nile (A.D. 130), either in a fit of melancholy or in order to prolong his patron's life by his voluntary sacrifice. After his death, Hadrian caused the most extravagant respect to be paid to his memory. Not only were cities called after him, medals struck with his effigy, and statues erected to him in all parts of the empire, but he was raised to the rank of the gods, temples were built for his worship in Bithynia, Mantineia in Arcadia, and Athens, festivals celebrated in his honour and oracles delivered in his name. The city of AntinoOpolis was founded on the ruins of Besa where he died (Dio Cassius lix. I I; Spartianus, Hadrian). A number of statues, busts, gems and coins represented Antinoos as the ideal type of youthful beauty, often with the attributes of some special god.

Antinous was born in Claudiopolis, a city in the Roman province of Bithynia, in the year 111 A.D. or the thirteenth year of the reign of Trajan (98-117 A.D.) He was of humble parentage, his father perhaps held a position of prestige in the city. Claudiopolis, now the city of Bolu in modern Turkey, was situated at a major crossroads of the highway that led from Greece to Syria. Almost all land transport coming from the rich cities of the east, or from Europe passed through Claudiopolis. Antinous was therefore born in the right place and at the right time to be found by the only Emperor to personally travel by land to every corner of the Empire.

Hadrian toured Greece, Asia Minor and the Danube in the year 123 A.D., he would surely have passed through Claudiopolis, and it is during this tour that he most likely found the thirteen year old Antinous. Exactly how is unknown, all attempts to portray the event are just elegant poetry. Margaret Youcenour in her Memoirs of Hadrian gives us the Emperor surrounded by the noble youth of the city with a quiet, mysterious boy at the back of the crowd, listlessly gazing into a fountain. A scene in which Socrates would have been comforted. What ever may have been, Hadrian was overcome by Antinous. The event seems to have occurred in June of the year 123.

From Claudiopolis, Antinous was taken to Rome, presumable not by force, but most enigmatically with the good will of his parents. This was a time far removed from our present abhorrence both of Homosexuality and of Pederasty. To be chosen by the Emperor for explicit reasons was seen not as shameful but as a wonderful opportunity for advancement. The Platonic concept of love for boys with the aim of their education and furtherance was prevalent, acceptable and encouraged. Antinous was lifted up from the obscurity of his birth and sent to the extravagance of the greatest metropolis of the time, and installed in the Paedagogium, a finishing school for boys. Officially designed to prepare the most promising youth of the day for positions in the government, it had an alternate purpose as a training school for the male concubines of the rich who preferred polished, educated, well mannered boys to ruffians, of which they had many. Antinous found himself surrounded by the finest boys of his day, from all around the Empire, beauties of extraordinary grace of whom he was the star. There they were educated in Latin, Literature, Philosophy, Mathematics, and most importantly physical training. It was essentially a place for Antinous to become exposed to the grandeur of the Roman court into which he would soon find his place.

Though of Humble background, it is plain to see that Antinous was no ordinary boy. He must have possessed a penetrating mind, a depth of feeling, or that certain magnitude of soul that draws both the wise and the simple inexorably to him. He was captivating enough to forever change the Emperor of Rome. Hadrian was of course no ordinary Emperor, his wide record of accomplishments is proof enough. To capture him required divine qualities, beauty alone was insufficient, and there were certainly many rivals in his youth-loving court who might even have surpassed Antinous in this regard. If his beauty was combined with a profoundness of mind unlike anything in Rome, one can begin to see where the broad intelligence of Hadrian might have been intrigued. But this can only have been the beginning, like any love affair, there is a moment of love-at-first-sight that either dissipates like drunkenness, or intensifies as the petals slowly open, revealing an ever-deepening transportation. This can only have been the case, the circumstances of Hadrian and Antinous's love must have been above and beyond the usual story of Emperor and favorite. Had Antinous been female, we might have had another Justinian and Theodora.

Antinous is mostly unknown, like a myth or a legend, his own words have vanished, whether because they were ignored, or perhaps destroyed, lost, or covered in dust and decay, one can never know. That he was not a saint in the canonical sense is immediately apparent, there are no tales of miraculous deeds, nothing resembling charity, not a single austerity during the course of his life. His first virtue, his most overpowering, the one of which we can be certain, is that he is among the most beautiful and perfect of all creations. He is a beauty that transcends the stone into which it was invested by inspired ancient sculptors. This is his power and his virtue, this is why he deserves to be understood as a god.

He came to flower during the spring of the most glorious period of western civilization, a golden age known as the reign of the Antonines. The subjugation of the ancient world was accomplished, almost simultaneously with the birth of Antinous, during the wars of the Spanish born Emperor Trajan. His chosen successor Hadrian preferred to improve the interior of the civilized world over further vainglorious conquests. His public works and monuments are among the only remnants of the greatest and most lasting culture the western world has ever known. But until recently, these massive efforts have been almost completely ignored because of two actions which Christian moralists have viewed as completely detrimental to his character, both religious and even to our modern minds radical and shocking. The first was Antinous, and the second the destruction of Jerusalem and the dispersal of the Jews.

HADRIAN'S LOVE ...

Hadrian was a passionate hunter, already from the time of his youth according to one source.[22] In northwest Asia, he founded and dedicated a city to commemorate a she-bear he killed.[23] It is documented that in Egypt he and his beloved Antinous killed a lion.[23] In Rome, eight reliefs featuring Hadrian in different stages of hunting on a building that began as a monument celebrating a kill

Hadrian was especially famous for his relationship with a Greek youth, Antinous, whom he met in Bithynia in 124 when the boy was thirteen or fourteen. While touring Egypt in 130, Antinous mysteriously drowned in the Nile. Deeply saddened, Hadrian founded the Egyptian city of Antinopolis, and had Antinous deified - an unprecedented honour for one not of the ruling family.


Legacy

After his death, the grief of the emperor knew no bounds, causing the most extravagant respect to be paid to his memory. Cities were founded in his name, medals struck with his effigy, and statues erected to him in all parts of the empire. Following the example of Alexander (who sought divine honours for his beloved, Hephaistion, when he died), Hadrian had Antinous proclaimed a god. Temples were built for his worship in Bithynia, Mantineia in Arcadia, and Athens, festivals celebrated in his honour and oracles delivered in his name. The city of Antinopolis or Antinoe was founded on the ruins of Besa where he died (Dio Cassius lix.11; Spartianus, "Hadrian"). One of Hadrian's attempts at extravagant remembrance failed, when the proposal to create a constellation of Antinous being lifted to heaven by an eagle (the constellation Aquila) failed of adoption.

After deification, Antinous was associated with and depicted as the Ancient Egyptian god Osiris, associated with the rebirth of the Nile. Antinous was also depicted as the Roman Bacchus, a god related to fertility, cutting vine leaves.

The "Lansdowne Antinous" was found at Hadrian's Villa in 1769 (Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge)
The "Lansdowne Antinous" was found at Hadrian's Villa in 1769 (Fitzwilliam Museum, Cambridge)

Worship, or at least acknowledgment, of the idealized Antinous was widespread, although mainly outside the city of Rome. As a result, Antinous is one of the best-preserved faces from the ancient world. Many busts, gems and coins represent Antinous as the ideal type of youthful beauty, often with the attributes of some special god. They include a colossal bust in the Vatican,[3] a bust in the Louvre (the Antinous Mondragone), a bas-relief from the Villa Albani,[4] a statue in the Capitoline museum (the so-called Capitoline Antinous, now accepted to be a portrayal of Hermes), another in Berlin, another in the Lateran and one in the Fitzwilliam Museum; and many more may be seen in museums across Europe. There are also statues in many archaeological museums in Greece including the National Archaeological Museum in Athens, the archaeological museums of Patras, Chalkis and Delphi. Although these may well be idealised images, they demonstrate what all contemporary writers described as Antinous's extraordinary beauty. Although many of the sculptures are instantly recognizable, some offer significant variation in terms of the suppleness and sensuality of the pose and features versus the rigidity and typical masculinity. In 1998 the remains of the monumental tomb of Antinous, or a temple to him, were discovered at Hadrian's Villa.[5]