@ PnP :-0

who knows
what you'd say
to come to know
if i was gay.. asked myself

looking in the mirror
dressed to kill
to rock, to party,
with high of vodka

all these accessories
on my hands
wore for myself..
on which others laugh!

life is mine,
without love...
if love is there,
so, a betrayal.

trusting faces, voices
never seen, never heard
trusting myself..
seems to be long lost...

sitting behind someone..
is it vicky or alex?
or cutebuddy.. who knows
anyways, names are lies.

in this chilly weather
daring to bare my chest
for what?
a party, tonight. my night.

watched a gay porn
shagged twice,
smooched three guys
had four dates..

reached the party
paid for myself and
the cannot confirm bf
hoping, maybe, my lifepartner...

gave my purse to him..
blurred my mind in accounts
he took care of me,
took me inside.

the disc's burning the floor
the sweat's heavy
on my mind..
the lights piercing my soul

went to the washroom,
cried over my not-over-ex..
who slept with every tom
dick and harry, and didnt even tell me...

washed the face with cold water
with a guy hanging out..
in the pot, another shooting
out like a fountain.. so sickening.. so tiring..

blurred ...
everything's.// came out
honey said" i'll be back in five min,
stay put. stay here"

didn't want him to leave my side
for i was numb and drunk..
but my teeth, my mouth,
my hands, my legs were invisibly tied

so off he went,
three guys took a pass..
one offered a cigarette,
other a lighter, and third, a long drive,..

said no,
not in the mood..
kissed a random guy,
to get outta the group.

my cannot confirm most probable future bf
came along.. said.. uuu ...
i said what?
the other guy shocked...

the guy i kissed..
shook hands with my cannot confirm most probable future bf cum lifepartner(ccmpfbcl)
whom i had just been naked to my body
and soul with..

they hugged.
touched each other lightly ...
i cudn't stand, said to my ccmpfbcl-cum-probable-soulmate,
gotta get fresh air..

went out
had a smoke
extinguished with my levi's
burnt a hole, alongwith a burn

came back
li'l in my senses
cudn't find ccmpfbclcps,
headed for the bar..

stood there for ten min,
cudnt' get myself a pint..
saw some guy alone
clowned my way through

asked him, hi
can u get me something..
he was nice, it was
his first time..

so he got me what i
wanna, felt like,
cud dance with him
after all someone who should, isnt..

kissed him
smooched him
took out my hands,
hugged him

drank a pint
smoked his cigarette
dont even remember the name
think, i didn't even ask..

he was erect, so was i
in a high
took my arms, round his butt
and whoosh!, lifted him up..

he sensed wrong.. i asked why
i m not gonna hook u up.. ohk..
that was dance, the song,and enjoy!
he felt nice, smooched again..

the lights burning thru..
i took my hands
round his nape,
to touch other guys.

guys, guys, other guys
looking at , staring at me
in jealousy, at my doped eyes
and face of innocence.. (who wudnt want a fuck with me?)

... bitch, that's not what i want.

thought for a moment?
is that all we have?
a night to remember,
and the same to forget? ( was i I?)

to remember, what we are
to forget, our pains
in pegs and pints
bodies, souls shouting mutely in vain..

thumping, bumping
faces of men in dark
men, guys, together
the rainbow colors making me blind..

dunno , 1 am.
want another drink, had
some coupons...
but cudn't get any

swayed in sweat and dance
the heat and the song
the lust and the love
intoxicated, mixed with wine, .. huh ha ha huh..

a slave of the floor
of a casanova, no cure.
going near, going far
in chasing my partners, becoming a chase..

the last song of the night
so that we can drink
with foul mouths
and dance, with ached heels

to dance the night
to make out.. to have ..
coffee? ccd, barista or my bed?
the last song.. the rush..

the rush in the head
of the poppers, the smoke,
alcohol and the rock n roll
finding partners for wetting the night..

rushed out,
gotta five proposals,
found my ccmpfbclcps kissing
smooching the guy..

was still in the aura
of the fatigue and high
we had a triply
on his bike..

chatted, hugged
the were cosy..
oops! what's the guy's name
i've been dancing.. his no..?

reached home..
thought i wud sleep in my ccmpfbclcps'
arms, as i did in the evening
but after an hour, saw the guy there..

closed my eyes, in rush, in tears
in high, in joy, in incompleteness,
in fulfilment, of my party hard target!
slept like a bear!

good morning, honey..
saw the guys smooching
oh! aniket, gm
this was my ex!

who knows,
what is there inside
my heart, so broken, so gay,
they dont know when is night and when is day!


---- end

the last line is open-ended, of party, of life, of love in a gay's life. and also abot the gay's circle.