Why it doesn't work

Met so many guys. From nook and corner of the world. literally. Why it doesn't work out? 

A question that runs in my mind. Always. Is it my fault? Or is it so hard to find a great guy to settle down with?

 My recent dates with an american and an indian who came over to visit me ended in a disaster. They both visited me for 4 - 5 days. And after day 2, could not wait for them to leave.

Right now, I am with someone as we talk. It feels stifling, to find out that that someone whom you thought was fun, turns out to be kiddish. 

what keeps me sane is the hope that I can learn something from these epic disasters. Some of them were my mistakes, and most of them was moving too fast to go ahead to think that these guys were dateable. 

'I've come to Cambridge to meet you.'

'I want to get picked up at the club tonight. Hope it's okay.'

'tdak. tdak. tdak.' Grindr continuously buzzes. He goes wearing my shoes, traveling on my t pass, wearing my cologne, to fuck around with someone who asks me to cuddle with him. 

Funny. The world is right round. Right, it is. 

Do I wanna get back?

Losing virginity is one thing; losing heart is completely another. 

'I want to marry you', said someone to whom I fucked about 7 years back. When a guy grows into a man? Really.Not so quite. I had jut become more vulnerable.

I thought I did love her back then. I did. i think she loved me back too. She did. It was nearing the New Year when we first hooked up, and I had fallen head over heels for her.

Funny thing is that today, we dont email, we dont talk. We might have had c2c sometimes once in a while, but that is almost dead. The first and last piece of thread tying us was amazing sex; and somehow, that was because of it I didn't feel happy in my relationship in the first place - just sex, no emotional cuddling or even caring. Now, there's hardly ever sex(of course we are exes now!!), but sexual attraction has gone.

I never thought I would stop feeling attracted to my first ex. At first, after the breakup there was huge hatred, but that was a form of love. Over a period of 5 years, it washed away.Like a desert. Like nothing.

I tried so hard to convince my  heart that let me give one last try. It just doesn't seem right.

I guess she is not Ms. Right.

Mr./Ms. Right around corner in my life?

 

Weirdest

Living with someone is good, as long as you are in love with him. Or with a friend who has common sense.

I am in a situation - in a mess, which is neither. The only thing I can do is to just pray coz this thing has gotten out of hands. 

I really need to have my space. Ever since a child, I've had my own space. My own room, where I can shut the door, and retreat. Where I can feel not encroached by any other soul except those whom I let enter. 

It's not a question of that I dont want people to know about me, or even that I want to hide, or run away from the realities. I do like to face them head-on. The matter is that I just need to feel myself, and I cannot feel myself when there is someone else within 10 feet with whom you dont have a union of the two souls in marriage.

I have no idea. But I need to act fast. It's the weirdest thing I have to face.

Any ideas what can I do?

You, my Love

Holding hands,

Of my love, true

Walking past the time,

And the pain of separation...


I tripped,

Hurt my left foot

In a pit, dark and deep..

And broke my ankle, excruciating my heart..


To see you leave,

As I realized,

That you are the one I like

Above any one soul, yours...


Behold, How I fell,

And skid on the road,

Crying out silent cries,

Which only you listened..


How you came,

And took out my shoes and socks,

And held my foot on your lap,

Dressing my wounds with your Love's massage.


How I felt the pain,

Washed away as a river washes the dirt,

And with your touch, 

I felt the bliss unknown..


How you put my shoes back on,

Made me stand on my feet, my heart strong,

Tied the laces, while brushing the dirt aside,

My shoes on my feet, and I ready to walk..


Still stumbling,

I lean on your shoulder,

You shared to carry my burden,

And made me feel as if nothing had ever happened, but you, my love. 


You, my love.


... 

Innocence

A laughter,Innocent,
A breath of snow,
On the veil of love...

His words, 
Of chocolate,
His touch,
Of velvet and rock...

His eyes
Of angel
His soul 
Of divine.

His innocence,
pure as white,
His body,
Of a lover,

Who Stole,
Yet the heart
Was kept pure..
His innocence, 

Though lost,
Yet it was more pure
Than it was 
ever before.

When Your Past Haunts You

What do you do, when your past comes to haunt you?

Especially in a guy, whom you like - when he reminds you of some past mistake...

Well, gather your guts, coz, you did commit a mistake.. and say sorry if you can... if you cannot, just keep your own mouth shut.. and laugh it off.. saying that it was a light mistake.

The biggest mistake to do is to love someone not worth it. It has happened. A few and many times over. So what? You are single now..

What matters most is that you are emotionally healthy, and you have recouped and you are able to feel love and monogamy again.

Strange, but true. Actually, being promiscous or polygamous, has no role in the affairs of the heart. in fact, they provide adventure of the darkest desire - a challenge to oneself and to the date to be able to overcome that...

for body and sex attactions are the greatest lust, addiction ... and above it, the ones of the tongue... 

People think I might be promiscous if i smooch four guys in a club... lol.. really? I am just having fun ! (btw, how many guys did you sleep with last week ? ) 

Love is never of the body, it is of the soul. And soul just resides in a body - it can never love another body, but another soul... 

You could be immersed in the sex as much as you want. Very few can remain detached from lust, or preserve their own salt, while hunting for another dog. I have learnt to love the taste of my salt, and lavish myself with the desires of other bodies as a sexual escapade , an exploration, and an extracurricular hobby. Not much of a sexaholic, though. 

Very simple. Dont try and undrstand me. Just understand. I am no longer my past. I am my future, and I have realized it. I have my present to build upon, and I will.